unfortunately, that is my mantra for every year.

i have not hurt myself since i was seventeen.  i think about it nearly every day.  i've heard people say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  what if you have been dealing with major depression for more than ten years?  what if you get relief for only weeks at a time here and there?  what if just experiencing moderate depression as opposed to severe depression seems like relief to you?  is it then a permenant solution to a permanent problem?

i don't have insurance.  financial aid dispersment is today.  i made an appointment with my dr so i could get treatment for my depression and anxiety. 

escapism is my route in the meantime.  meaningless stupid games keep me occupied so that my mind is numbed and i don't think about ... all there is to think about that i'd rather not bring up right now.  push, pushed out of my mind.  there's just a hollow numbness and just beyond it is a dark place where i can't stop crying and everything gets worse and worse. 

i can't read my fucking health textbook without crying.  it is fucking ridiculous.  i feel foolish and out of control.  i am irritable and short with everyone i love.  i can maintain a facade where i am nice and calm but inside i am churning and it doesn't last long. 

i am so cold.  i am so cold all the time.  even when i am overly warm i just want more and more layers.  i am cold inside in a place where no amount of heat can touch.