i am so cold.  i am so cold all the time.  even when i am overly warm i just want more and more layers.  i am cold inside in a place where no amount of heat can touch. 

penetrating tentatcles of taint

all the same, all cliche

asphyxiate and incarcerate

and i am secret.

i am the veil, the all in vain

they are in an abandoned fairground.  there are patches of grass amidst the mudded walkways.  brokendown pieces of carnival rides and dividing fences are scattered haphazardly covered in rust.  the sun colors the sky the sort of muted yellow that late afternoons in autumn bring.  shadows cast along the ground obscure moving figures.  there are people at a distance but they keep a slow shuffle.

i feel real ill and i don't know what it is.  it could be stress.

the odds are all stacked against me.  my big problem is my honesty.  i applied for welfare again.  that was terribly embarrassing.  it is the second time i have tried to get assistance like that.  the caseworker sat across from me and told me how it seems to be the people who lie that get everything.  she also gave me her lunch.  i broke down in that office, just like i did the last time i applied.  i go in so optimistic feeling all hope-for-humanity and philanthropic but leave completely dysphoric.

i am so tired.

i could say i was afraid of dreaming.  this isn't true though it is true when i wake shaking and ill.  i feel alien.  there is a terror beneath my skin and it's ripping, ripping.  it screams and pulls and kicks.  it claws a bloody mess of my heart and fills my head with mosquitoes.  i miss having a companion, a confidant.

i can't sleep.

and then i don't want to sleep.  when i can remember my dreams they negate any restful feeling i might have had.  the less i sleep the worse i feel. 

i am lonely. 

i quit smoking cigarettes on sunday.  i had just detoxed from the meds i was on before and some whacko part of me thought it would be a good idea to take wellbutrin to help quit the cigarettes.

some days this week i couldn't leave my apartment because i couldn't control the watery discharge from the eye sockets.