But I'm crying in my mother's appartment. Because my guitar string broke while we were tuning it. She broke it. And now she's gone out to buy a new one. And I'm crying. What the fuck? I don't understand why it's affecting me so much. I guess it's because I've done fuck-all all day and then the one thing I try to do fails. Even before I've made a proper effort. And I don't like her wanting to go to the gym together. I don't like going to the gym with her. I was really thinking about going now. That would be nice. Rock music to listen to and a feeling of being productive.

Apparently my psychiatrist is billing me for an appointment because I only called him 24 hours in advance. I should have done it a lot before then, of course. But I didn't, for god knows what reason. And now I want to break it off with him. I guess because I'm angry about the whole thing and being angry at myself sucks. So I can be angry at him and decide not to see him anymore. But at the same time, maybe I can just show him how angry I am at myself and that'll mean a higher dose of meds and maybe more relief from this shit. Except that I really know it has nothing to do with the meds. I don't have anything to do. I should have gone to school. Even if it made me miserable, I would be miserable with a purpose. Now I'm just killing time. And I'm fucking homesick.

I want some space of my own. I looked for a job a bit today. Online. I think I'll keep looking. It would give me something to do, take up some time. I have no desire to play the guitar at all. So why the fuck did I buy this guitar? Maybe I do want to play the guitar. But I sure as fuck don't want to see my old therapist. I really am going to break it off with him. And I'm going to go to the gym right now. Not look at anyone, not care about what they look like, not look at myself in the mirror. I'm just going so that I feel productive. But that's more than enough.

I don't want to send these presents to my friends at college. I feel like they should be sending me presents. They're having the fucking times of their lives and I feel like shit. Well fuck them.

These are the things I want to be doing.
-plan a trip up to MA to see a good friend
-plan to hang out with another friend from NJ
-see my ex (somewhere other than on "campus")
-see the movie 9
-find out what's involved in getting breast surgery
-go to the gym every day
-apply to a handful of colleges
-get a stupid job as a clerk or a medical tech or something
-volunteer every week
-go to a meetup every week
-find interesting people online to talk to (irc, icarus, lj, whatever)

I think that's about it. But that's a pretty long list. I should also look into what kinds of short courses I can take. I thought about getting certified in first aid and CPR. Maybe I'll look into that. But right now my whole energy is going to be on applying to schools and going to the gym every day. I can reward myself with the movie and talking to people online.

And look at that, I've stopped crying. I also really need to make a psych appointment and email my therapist about not seeing him anymore. And make a dermatologist appointment. Okay. I'll put it all in a checklist as soon as I get back from the gym.

I don't want to go to group tomorrow and see the leader for wednesdays. I feel like he's going to call me on a bunch of shit that I don't want to deal with. And I felt like I was making progress. I really did. But right now it seems like this could be months ago. The goals don't change. I don't acheive them and they just stay on the list forever, mocking me and inducing waves of guilt. Oh, and ride a bike. I have to set aside a day for that. Do some real planning and hold myself to it. Going to plan now and then go to the gym.

Fuck.