just trying to remember. to try. seems like i do this thing where i can inhale the best air, take in the best  advice, completely understand and wholely agree with whats being said, tell self to incorporate their suggestion/s into conscious thought, try to remember to do this/that daily and apply it/them to moment by moment living. soak it in until it rests somewhere near where my intuitive self hides and it somehow becomes an integral part of her. never remember, somehow forget. to be still in a moment of panic and just breathe. give my self precious seconds of discernment before reacting, before responding to whichever situation i am in such a hurry to get past that it doesn't even get registered until it's over. i am on a public computer and there are people having a conversation near me. the lady is saying how she is the logical one in her family, how her sister doesn't take the time to Think BEFORE She Acts. part of me rebels against that, wants to just act on the first instinctive pull that arises and, good or bad, just go with it. 'stead what i do is overthink before i act. somehow, i miss the very first voice to speak up. totally miss the instinctive pull and by the time i catch up to my mind, i'm on the fourth or fifth shift of thought. try to go back and find which one came first, get stuck. do nothing. or run.

sheeeeesh. listen to precious beings who take the time to point out the obvious. honestly, i sometimes wonder if i have some other thing wrong with my brain, besides something chemical or biological. what if something physical happened to me when i was little..... i hear about how i fell and hit my head when i was 2 or 3. hit the corner of a glass table, had to get stitches. what if that did something to me, screwed something up up there. fucked with the signals and switches and the like. or maybe i'm just challenged, mentally. maybe i'm just one of those to score high enough on those bullshit aptitude tests to fly above the radar. maybe i read too well or did my numbers too fast or however they calculate their crap. maybe i took the wrong bus to school. was in the wrong classes. tried to be who i thought i was supposed to be when i was really made to be someone else. because, not to equate mental challenges with inability, but i swares the most basic shit eludes me. like people everywhere are my potential hand-holders. there to break down for me what i'm missing. to show me what's right before my eyes and tell me what it is i'm supposed to be seeing. shit. what if i really am already the me i'm supposed to be. that would suck if this is it. no higher levels to ascend to. no further states of enlightenment to aspire to. what if this is it, if i've gone as high as i can go in this life. there's always room for improvement, right? let us hold on to that, and keep going.

i cannot give up. not on me or this life. i know i am in there somewhere. know that i can do this and do it well. i know that i am all those good things people tell me they see, all those things i refused to believe. big difference between belief and knowledge. i know. i know i can write and sing and facillitate harmony and humanitarism and listen well and give selflessly and all those other things they say. things i can recall once being. i know it's still in there. know it in my heart, so maybe it's my heart i should be focusing on, or at least giving equal focus, because somewhere between knowing it in my heart and allowing that knowledge to be the foundation for all mental activities in my head, the shit gets distorted. twisted around. turned upside down. and that's what i can't let go of... how to get the heart and head on one accord. or at least in the same fuckin field of play.

practice, practice, practice. it takes practice to stop with the negative beliefs. practice to be actively conscious and aware of what i'm doing and saying and thinking. practice to break the habit of breaking my spirit anytime i think i might be on to something good. practice. ok, i will. whatever it takes to evolve back into my self and finally put this dopplegaenger to her shadowy rest. sick of her living for me, ready to live for myself. practice, will do.

thanks.