I'm leaving from seeing my dad in the morning. It's been good here. Really good. He hasn't been working, which means we've been spending plenty of time together, talking and not doing too much. He's been much less compulsive about always doing something. And I think I've been much better about getting up and doing stuff with him as well. It's much easier when you're not depressed.

And now I get to go back to my mother's apartment and she'll leave in about a day and I'll have the apartment all to myself for about ten days. Back to group therapy and the city. I'm looking forward to it all. But it also means that I have no excuses for not going on dates with some of these online people. I think I'll give it a shot. Tea or coffee or something after group. Then I can get a good pep talk beforehand and report back the next day. There are about three guys I'm interested in. Only guys, I think. Girls are lovely, but I'm horny and not drawn to fucking them. I masturbated last night. Had an orgasm. Thought about my ex a bit. Then I dreamt about him and it wasn't a good dream. That's the thing. In real life I don't want him. When we're together in the same place I don't really have too much to say to him and I'm not really attracted to him. But when I'm by myself I think I want to hook up with him.

The upshot of all of this is that I want to have sex. It's been almost a year now. And I think that some of these online people must want to have sex with me. Mustn't they? I hope so. But at the same time I'm afraid. Like I'm afraid of everything. Or at least everything new. School and sex. But of the two sex is scarier, I think.

Okay, I'm promising myself that I'll go on a couple dates with these people. Even if it's just sitting and talking and we don't get on too well. I mean, if I could last that long talking to that girl when I went to the movie with. That wasn't a date at all. But I thought I managed to keep up some conversation for a while. So these three guys, at least. Even if it's no sex or even a kiss. And if it is a kiss or sex it'll be okay too. I can have sex. I just need to think about my body a little. Shaving, for instance. Do I shave my legs? Or my cunt? I haven't for a long time. I guess trimming my cunt should be perfectly acceptable. And I guess I'll shave my legs even though the last time I did it I felt naked and weird. But feeling uncomfortable half-naked in front of someone I don't know too well is even worse.

So...upshot of all of this: I will prepare myself for these dates so that I feel good about myself, I will go to these dates, I will do as much or as little as I want, I will feel good that I went, regardless of what happens.