Well it's 4 am and I am up. I have been working insane hours so my body is just super out of whack now! I haven't been feeling so well these last couple of days. Mainly cause I am not with my sister on Christmas, but I had to not have contact with my parents and right now anyway, my sister is with them.

Also, M (see previous posts if you need background info) emailed me telling me what a wonderful time she was having with this other friend of hers in Phoenix for christmas. I know it was her way of trying to reach out to me and reestablish contact by wishing me a merry christmas. But I still had some feelings like she was rubbing in how great her life is now that I'm not around. It's been way hard for me the way she dumped me entirely and became super close to this other friend of hers. It felt to me like she was trying to rub it in my face. I guess I know I'm not ordinary. So I shouldn't expect to just make friends easily like she does. I am a loner, always have been. Once a loner, always a loner. It will always be a struggle for me to find people I relate to. That's expected.

ONe of the men I got involved with in high school (also a LONG story) I  think it was a way to recreate my sexual abuse or something....he contacted me via facebook. I feel he really is a good guy, well intentioned, but just didn't understand boundaries either and so I had to set them with him recently. I think he's trying to reach out to me now, but we'll see....I plan on having our contact being limited right now. I can always block him on facebook if he is inappropriate.

I feel very alone right now.

Oh but, I had a friend go out of her way to call me and wish me a Merry Christmas this holiday. We were planning on getting together sometime before the snow hit and it never happened, but I was surprised to get her email and phone call. It's nice to have surprises like that, just when you think no one is thinking about you or cares, you find out that someone does. And I am lucky enough to come home to 3 roommates stranded here! At least there's that. I could live alone.