looking for clues of "bipolar" in my childhood

Submitted by popejoan2 on Wed, 01/24/2007 - 11:05am

I had PTSD then. I don't know what was what. There is schizophrenia in my family too. I was asking at age 4, to my parents if we were somehow in some large experiment. I was being exploited at the time by neighbors. How many kids that age have such trips going in their minds, such worries. I also had a death threat over my head for this "secret club" I was not supposed to talk about.

I always saw bugs on the ceiling, squiggly oily x-files type creatures slithering above me when I tried to sleep. It did not help that my parents were searching for "bugs" in our house and I thought they meant the insects, at age three, when they started a civil liberties union in Texas and represented the SDS. They are very middle of the road people, but back then...this was considered radical, the ACLU suspect. So this contributed to this worry about the bugs.

I was always afraid of the mirror. I was scared of that bloody Mary coming to get me. I always have seen my face change in the mirror, like a Herman Hesse novel, my face with morph. The same thing happens if I stare at other people's faces for a little while. Someone told me I am seeing past lives. I don't know.

They always said I had a good imagination. It became a convenient excuse sometimes...handy for a dysfunctional family.

I always had friends from other realms. I always tried to keep them secret. I had a friend from Pluto who would whisper to me and I would whisper back. They must have seen me whispering...he said when I grew up he would take me away from all my pain and heartache.

I saw myself as an adult telling me that everything would be ok. In my adulthood I did meditations where I did that, went back and comforted the child I was. Well. I have memories of it really happening.

I see specks of light like pointilism. I don't know if something has always been wrong with my eyes. I always saw batches of energy too, like globs of it,like auric beings. and auras of course. i could always see those.

I have seen aztec wall paper all my life, if I want to, sometimes when I don't want to. I have seen natural magical tattoos that tell stories on people's skin that are not inked in. I come from Miami Indians in one part of my background and they were tattoists. BUt I don't have tattoos. I have enough pain.

I alwats got along with the animals. I trained my cat how to roll over and shake hands when I was 8. We did not do it too often as he got embarrassed.

I used to crack up in class, try to hold laughter in til snot came out my nose. I always was getting "needs improvement" in behavior but also teachers soemtimes liked me cause I was fairly nice to them unless they were real jerks.

Oh there is a lot more. I do not go into the hard core tragic stuff here. I am exploring my history of my magical mind. Maybe it is not necessarily bipolar. I don't know. I am glad I was not yet on meds then.

I thought I would add on to

Submitted by popejoan2 on Wed, 01/24/2007 - 9:21pm.

I thought I would add on to my own post to stay on the subject of (are there or are there not ufos hehe jk) of my acid trip of a childhood.

I used to have a dream guide, her face also morphed like a Herman Hesse story, from animal being, to human to goddess, to male to female, to something inbetween. She was mostly a she to me tho. She would spin this thing over my head. I would hear it whirring...and then we would be in another time or place in space. We would be in futuristic worlds and sometimes we went to the past. She came often and taught me stuff I can not remember anymore. For a brief time my friend came along and she and I would talk about it at school the next day. We would have the same dream. But she was into this heavy religious thing and was getting me into it briefly. I was rebelling against my atheist mom. I would try to convert my mom. It could be a comedy. I did not last long with that. I still believed in evolution but at church camp they stifled that belief. I was all high on god too out there in the woods. But they turned me off to the whole thing really. Anyways, this friend told me the guide was a demon. It seems my bout with religion made me extra scared of demons (in certain states I still do battle with them), and then I told my beautiful comforting interesting magical guide to go away. And she did, she never came back.

Only now sometimes, I see her out the corner of my eye in some dreams. So maybe she is coming around again. I have missed those travels.

ok i will just do my own

Submitted by popejoan2 on Thu, 01/25/2007 - 1:24am.

ok i will just do my own memory lane thread here. i am not going to deal with the trauma so much here but how i coped with it magically. they may think i have "magical thinking" in that negative way they view it but i am very grateful for it. i think of myself as a magical realist. they are full of it. heh "they" i am always shouting out against "them" and "they" and no i don't agree they are all "us" at this point cause they don't allow themselves to be a "we" yet. comprende? ah do i have to make sense here?

i had nature as a child. for all the issues i have had with my parents, they were really truly very good about getting us all out in nature, on a regular basis. i think it kept us all going. i always have felt a connection to the trees. i have always seen visions they reveal to me and sometimes they talk. i hide this from my family. but the struggle to be normal enough for them to feel comfortable is getting to be too much now at 40. i always divided my mind up. for a long time i knew how to act normal. but it gradually dissolved, one trauma after another, the masks disappeared. i became so vulnerable this way, so exposed feeling. so raw. it is how i always was i guess but it was all safely buried in soft places, comfort zones and such.

i have sadness with trees too. sad memories by them. same with the ocean. this soemtimes makes me sad. but i will not let it make me dislike them. i still love the trees and the ocean.

i saw the fairies too. they used to live in an aspen grove near here up on the mountain. i used to spend birthdays, etc in that grove. i did the harmonic convergence of all things there. i am not really so new agey but i did do that. anyways, i was to go there one birthday recently and then it burned down in a devastating fire. it broke my heart. this place had always been a source of healing for me.