I do think that I am crazy. or maybe i'm not. i need to try and convince myself otherwise. I wonder if I'm the only person who thinks they may have made the whole thing up. That i'm actually so sane i've made myself crazy. CBT has only left me with the impression that psyciartists believe that we are just looking at everything the wrong way, that you just need to adjust the way you are looking at things and that by doing so you can train youself out of being psycotic and completely mental. Maybe i never tried enough. it probably didn't work because i never believed it would. 

But i said i wouldn't do this again and now i have to question myself. I swore i wouldn't allow myself to go through this. I've said a million times that its too terrible and I don't know how much strength I have in me. I've resigned to the fact that i will probably die by my own hand. So where do i go from here? Do i have faith that the doctors are right? that it's really just ADHD(if that)? I can prevent myself from suffering. I can nip this in the bud so to speak. But it's not fair. It's not fair that i have to make this descision. I'm not ready for this. I wanted more time. I wanted time to wak the stage at my graduation (i chose not to in high school). I wanted time to be happy. I only just got the opportunity and it was short lived. Everyone always says it will get better but i'm not waiting another ten years for the doctors to agree with me. To see the pain in my eyes and hear me asking for help. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. And i don't know how on earth i'm supposed to get to sleep without sleeping tablets. 

What do i say to my mom when she asks if the doctor changed my sleeping tablets? "oh we decided i don't need tabets." She will put me on a flight back to the states. 

Just a bit of history here, after 10 years of diagnosis(in ascending order) ADHD, dysthimia, insomnia, dysthimia again, some random anxiety disorder(INTENSE panic attacks), psycosis......i ended with bipolar. Last august to be specific. I was put on mood stabelizers and antipsycotics in addition to my adderall and ambien. Everything was  going swimmingly until January when my UK doctors suggested we reduce the antipsycotics. 

that didn't work out. 

Since then, my meds have been changed, and others attemped to be reduced. All with no positive effect. 

Today my doctor told me he doesn't think that i'm bipolar, have ever experienced psycosis, or generally need any of my medicine except the adderall (hes an ADHD specialist after all).

So here i sit. Back at square one, 10 years old being told adderall is the solution to all my problems and the rest has just been misunderstood. 

Where the fuck do i go from here?