This is not a letter. It's just what I'm feeling or was last night really.

I have to get this down. Writing is one of the only ways I have found to date to really really express the way I feel. I just have to look back on my two old live journals to tell. I haven't been using this particular blog as much because I know she reads it and there have definitely been things I've written that I didn't want to share, but she read it and I got positive feedback so I feel better now. I should know by now that she doesn't judge me.

I started thinking about her on the car ride up here last night after I promised her a sketch from here. I love doing things like that for her though I'm scared that I might be doing it without getting anything back some day. I was listening to the Garden State sound track and the one for Love Actually (Cathy left in the car. Pretty good actually) which I'm pretty sure is one of her favorites. It felt really good to be thinking about her. On the way up it was cool. It feels good to think about someone I love. But that night I couldn't go to sleep. I'm still kind of cranky because of the lack of it. I don't even remember what all of the thoughts were about, but I was thinking all night about how I would feel if it happened and just being afraid. I started writing a letter, but then I realized that it was... I don't know. It wasn't coming from a place of love but a place of hurt and victimization, and that's not who I want to be, because I've been there before and it wasn't good.

I'm scared of reliving the worst relationship of my life. I think it's mostly irrational. When Sarah wanted to have an open relationship, she had someone specifically in mind, and my okay just pulled them closer together until they fell in love. I've never been in more pain. The thing is, I left. I just couldn't be around her when she would talk about him with her friend in front of me. I couldn't stand her talking about all the amazing things he did for her. I know now that she really didn't deserve the love that I gave to her. Everybody knew it but me. I treated her like gold and she never made an attempt to understand why I was really in so much pain. Maybe I just didn't communicate it to her that well, but I would think that someone with a bit of common sense would be able to realize that that would most likely make me feel like a shit (she had already cheated on me with another guy at that point). Not that much later she got kicked out of her parents house and moved in with him. We weren't together at this point. It was her who promised me that she would always love me. That we would be friends forever, and I tried it. I called her and set up dates (platonic) for coffee or whatever and she stood me up. She never called me. When I finally got in touch with her in like October she told me she was engaged. I gave up on her in November and never talked to her again. On New Year's eve I left a cd and a card with my psychiatrist's number in her mailbox. It was because of seeing her on her emotional roller coaster I eventually made the choice to get on medication. I left out the letter I was originally going to give to her, because I had realized at that point that it just wasn't worth it to me to give anymore emotion to her. The last thing I ever heard from her was an anonymous comment she left on the copy of the letter on my live journal. I don't know how she found it, but I think she might have been reading my journal all along at that point.

It was really through my relationship that I realized that feeling love for someone and loving someone are different things. Sarah said she loved me, but really she loved the way I treated her. She loved who I was, but she didn't... I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever understand, but that's okay with me. It's in the past, and I became who I am today in part because of her. Love is always worth it if we try to look back with an open mind and try to see how it changed us.

I know wallflower loves me, and she shows it. That's something that I don't think will change. But we know all of this already :)

The thing is, I am the only one in control of my emotions. Now that doesn't mean I can just feel any way any time I want, but that I can recognize situations where I might get hurt, and instead of looking for someone to blame I can look out for myself. That's what's confusing here though. I know I can get hurt in this situation. I know it. It hurt when she broke up with me, but I had the maturity to understand that she didn't want to, and that she still feels strongly about me. She's doing what she thinks is best for her. It's not my decision to make for her. At the same time though I have to think about what I need to do for me in this situation.

What I wanted at first was just for us to go back to being together and being in love and for her to feel as dedicated to me as I do to her. I don't think this is going to happen though. It's not something that would really be good for either of us I think right now, because like I came to realize, this is a good opportunity for us to grow. Or at least that's what I've been told. I know it to be true though it doesn't always feel like it. The other idea that I thought about was to really just be friends and totally change my behavior, hoping that I wouldn't be as emotionally attached. Like not kiss her and just I don't know. Try to think of her just as a friend. That might be the right idea. I'm not sure. I can flip that switch. I don't know if I want to yet though, because if I flip that switch I'm not going to do it with the idea that we're going to get back together. I think it's possible, even likely that we will get together again in the same way we were... well not the same way. A different way. Relationships are ever changing. I guess what is going to happen is going to happen? I can't help but think about the serenity prayer. Sometimes I'm more into the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, sometimes more into the courage to change the things I can, but the wisdom comes from knowing the difference. That's what I wish I had right now.

All this time while I was thinking about this today, I was trying to ask God for guidance. I've done my third step and made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the god of my understanding. I'm trying to keep this up so that I won't feel so lost and alone.

I've never fought for a relationship before, or had the courage and maturity to actually try to work things out or come to a mutual understanding. I know that I don't want to throw out the love we have for each other or deny it until it hurts too much for... whatever. I just know I want her in my life. It's hard for me to not dwell in fear being stuck feeling like this. I think that the only thing that is going to preserve our relationship, whatever kind of relationship that is communicate my feelings to her when I feel them (when I write them is when they're the most intense. They usually get better after)... because if I don't it's only going to drive a wedge between us that will harder to overcome later on down the road, and I know, I know that that's not what either of us want. So I'm going to talk to her next time I see her, because I don't know what I feel right now, and a lot of it is dependent also on how she feels. I don't want to be overbearing on her and push her away though, so it seems like we may be at a bit of a stand still. I'll just try to occupy myself and put my energy into the positive instead of dwelling in the negative.