I'm going to hide from my relatives for awhile. I felt so much better not taking that Abilify last night. I was really zoned into the third dimension but it helps me fantasize, so reading The Handmade's Tale was kind of fun. I love margaret Atwood! Just finished Surfacing by her. I would love to become an author someday. Kind of freaked out two nights ago. I could not sleep and shadows started spinning like snakes. I kept having a true feeling that all this is a lie and nothing is real. I had just taken abelify . Stupid pills make me so withdrawn. But in a dreamy sense... I need darkness right now. I need my damn soul, and that's the line I've drawn. If I cannot feel on medication then I am um lost in a sense--to my purpose. The soul is adaptable though. I think mine considers taking a vacation when I get sick. I was so fucked up, I just wanted to hide for no reason. I considered locking myself up in a hospital to be taken care of, but now that the fog has cleared I realize that Abilify is just as bad as anything that messes with your mind. I am so tired. I don't feel loved.. I just want to fly into the sky. The little boy who builds a plane to get away from this--I am losing ground already maybe I stumbled back between sentences. Who am I? I am ..who? I should not care so much or be so empty. I want to die happy, but I am not going to do that to them. I'm not able to either. I have learned to avoid that kind of knowledge. I won't OD on this stuff, I'll lose my soul, maybe I'll try my mom's antibiotics? No, what am I thinking ? God I feel so alone. When can I stop caring for me? I am trying to fill the gap. I never go shopping, it was strange buying clothes for myself. I felt selfish, I am unworthy of nice stuff. It is money. I am a stupid child who can't drive, shop, clean, and I can't find work. My life is perfect. I don't deserve it, I ruin everything. I am cursed. Fuck this.