MANIC WOOHOO

            So this is the recognition stage of being Manic! I don’t need sleep, FUCK THAT! I just need to be here and now. I am so amazed by everything and can’t help but stare at this computer with the oddest feeling that this is the first time I have ever seen a computer, but type like a prodigy. What can I say? I am a fast learner. I would find it very odd if my roommate woke up and I am just sitting at my computer, listening to music blaring, and falling so deep into insanity. WOOOHOO is the only way I can explain this ride. I never really could recognize the symptoms or signs of being manic or depressed, but I never really cared. This is like being high with out the nasty taste or the nasty feeling of spending money on something that last so little. I will probably look back at this wondering, “What the fuck? How did I become a sleep at the wheel?” Well I will answer this for myself later; IT WAS FUN! I don’t know if that makes sense or even if anything I am writing actually is coordinating with each sentence, but I can say this, I don’t really care. Ever sense I started to notice I was Bi-Polar the flood gates seem not able to hold back the mood swings. What can I say, the coping skill Beat Yourself Down doesn’t seem to be working as good as I was taught. Today at work I was Manic four times and depressed four times; I was only there for six hours. I have heard this is called rapid cycling. Maybe that seems odd or farfetched, hell even I don’t know if I should correct lately, but I can tell you the truth about one thing; that was one hell of a roller coaster ride. I mean I was up and down all the time! I couldn’t control one thought, emotion, or anything. The whole day was odd. I felt so odd. I felt as if I was just standing there while time moved around me and I could see each fabric strands of life fly by me. I never know when I am about to hit a high or low; I just do. Lately I feel as I have been hitting high for hours. I don’t seem to need sleep, I am hungry, but have no appetite for food,  and I could write for hours with fascination on how this whole keyboard/typing thing works! I feel I just start hitting each key like a piano, but the issue is I don’t know how to play the piano, but that will not stop me! ABCD-EFG-HIJK-LMNOP-QRS-TUV-WX-YZ. I always notice I can not do my ABC’s with out saying “and” between Y and Z. Seems to be a difficulty I have, and now I descend back to normal. Damn, this rollercoaster! It is out of control it feels like; plus listening to Radiohead wasn’t too helpful with that either, good thing there is Tool to bring you down when needed.

            For about twenty minutes I just was on the weirdest binge to needing to draw, I suck at that, listen to music, and type all at the same time. I have no idea what I wrote, but fun can only begin if I try. Kind of odd, it actually made sense, but is it making sense because I am still Manic feeling or did it actually make sense? So odd how this rollercoaster rides, ups, downs, and all around. I can’t fully know what to look for when I go up or down, but it seems to have a lasting affect. I am just starting to sign up for treatment, but hell I still do not know if I am Bi-Polar. I don’t tend to label myself unless someone smarter does for me. I don’t want to change who I am though if I turn out to be Bi-Polar. I don’t want to be a zombie because of medicine, but I also don’t to ride this ride any longer; getting old. I have been riding this for as long as I can think of, but my family is one of those families where you don’t talk about it and take care of your own problems. If you need assistance you are weak and powerless over your own self; grow up! One of my family members is diagnosed with being Bi-Polar and I think I can label a couple more if I just spun around in a circle and started pointing. Thanks for listening and I hope you will tune in for more ramble from Nick, “Oh wont you be… my neighbor?”