Ugh, I wrote part of this post and then accidentally erased it because I'm a complete idiot. Woke up suddenly with a start, again. Some nightmare that I've forgotten now. I do remember some dreams about my ex. Good dreams. Sex dreams. Which are horrible now. Welcome back to my world. I find something or someone I want to have sex with and then it hits me that I want to be the exact opposite of the kind of person they want to have sex with.

I am so far from who my ex wants to fuck. But I can't be that person anymore. I just can't. Honestly? I'm afraid of being weak and objectified. Girly. The femme is hiding in my hair, in my breasts, in my weak arms. So I'm going back to lifting weights in a little bit. Have to buy more milk to help with the muscle development. And maybe some real food would help. Rice at least. That would be approaching real food.

Shower first, maybe. I know I'm just going to get gross again, but it would be nice to get clean first. And get a shot at cutting my hair again. I don't know what I want, but I know this isn't it. So I figure I can't go too wrong by cutting off bits and pieces slowly. Maybe something will emerge that will give me an idea. Or I'll just get down to a really short cut and not care what it looks like because it's so simple to deal with. And certainly as un-femme as I can get.

Back to watching House diagnose and detox at the same day, while I slowly withdraw from my dose of meds and think about what the fuck I'm doing. The friend that said she'd call about three hours ago still hasn't called. I'm officially giving up and assuming she isn't calling. I think a shower and some music to sing along to would be in order. Let's see what happens to my hair and if I can manage to get some other food into me today.