missing the torment
Submitted by tessa D on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 10:45pmi'm not even counting how many years long i have been this way for.
is my current state just an act if it is not indeed a natural state but a heavily sedated one. what is truth?
what is certain?
why is mental illness so abstruse even to me as a sufferer....??
do i even know myself?
i thought i did.
but if this is all coming from me- all these carolers in my head then why the hell does it seem rightful and substantive?
i know its not real. its an undertaking though.
why cant i go outdoors except sporadically? why doesnt someone give me answers? its been years.
except i know i could survive a trip overseas.....traveling is fine for me.
working is out of the question...when did i last have a real job. is making music even a job or is it a hobby. i dont play gigs so maybe its not.
all i want to do is spend money and i have little of it. i think of things to buy every day..clothes, jewelry.
my friends are slipping away and they live overseas.
i have really tried to understand why. what have i done.
i wish i was just back in hospital again. no shopping, no questions.........
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...no answers.
I wanna say no to the hospital thing.....
The nice quiet room where you can just be alone is such a relaxing thing, but that is the same as finding your place. I can't say I've found my relaxing get away place; I know we can dream of one. I also can't say that there is such a place out there besides the hospital that just makes everthing ok. However I will say that looking and finding other things is good even if you don't get anything out of it besides a healthy mind process.
Meeting people in group sessions talking about their lives and you sharing yours is great since you get to talking. Talking is good it is interacting even if it doesn't help ( doesn't help me but I talk to people anyway.) Tiring effort but has to help in some way or another even if you don't realize it.
Loosing friends is hard. What you have been doing is keeping yourself from them somehow and you might want to stop that. I for one go on with you day trying to find my sweet escape time as in time that helps me better the day or strive for a good day, this excludes me from everyone but not everthing. I do stuff during this time not noticing that I could be spending time with friends and family or chatting way with them. Try not to but a burden on them also, giving them grieve or insight on how your life could be so mcuh better doesn't benefit them.