When i left for university i had no intention of going back. And i still don't. I live in another country, 3000 miles away from the life i spent so long running from. It's over. I got my fresh start. I'm building new friendships, kicking ass in uni, and dealing with my mental illness on my own, responsibly. 

And while every day i get to look around and say wow, I live in london. People like me. I'm a top student. I've finally escaped the eyes which can't see me. Has it been a hard day or is she psycotic right now? Is she just late or is she in the hospital again. Freedom from other peoples conclusions. I have learned to open up and be honest to people and explain myself to them and i get to draw the conclusions. I open their eyes to the reality of mental illness. I'm no longer crazy, i'm just unwell sometimes. So sure it's only been a year and things need developing, friendships strengthened, medical files re-written. I've been running for 6 years, moving place to place, leaving my heart and my mind all over the country, all over the world and i finally got it all back and started over. And i'm not planning on going back. I said that i wouldn't move any more. I am experiencing one life. I'm no longer "only here for 6 months before i move...." I'm here. I have arrived. 

And as much as I know i'm better off, I feel a great loss. I have my history. No one could possibly understand the significance of my being 16; antisociety nonconformist angsty nutjob. I will hopefully never be so high or low again but i think its fair to say i was another person. And not because i was a teenager, but because i couldn't have become responsible and confident and intelligent without testing the waters. I'm not trying to erase the past because the past is who i am. I am trying to manipulate my situation to be more conducive to my happiness. and i am happy. i am. I enjoy my life. But I feel myself fading. I see the other half of my soul walking around without me. I see parties going on with minimal talk about my absence. I see my friends making new friends, and my parents living with my sister and not me. And i feel it. So it's easier for me to shut it out. And just be in my life and not give it a second thought. But when something reminds me, the world stops. and the inside of my sternum becomes a vacuum. And it's weird, this physical feeling seems to be draining my brain. And i'm short of breath and can't think i can't process, That i'm gone. 

This was not meant to be a mental mission I was off on. I'm not some superiority complex bitch who needs a cleanse. I needed this new life and i want this new life, but it's hard to watch myself die like this. 

Any time i get depressed i think about suicide. And the one overwhelming fact that pushes me to the edge is knowing i am alone in the world. In time, my life here will bloom and flourish even. But not yet. I've just gotten started you know. I've laid a foundation. But where is Chad? Where is the sweet sweet boy who never knew what i was thinking and still loved me more than i would have ever felt capable. Where is the half of my soul i left with him. Where is my summer swimming in pat's pool and target with jamie. Where is my family giving too much advice and never taking it. Barbecues, blizzards, pot, 2am walks, too much cheap coffee, not enough sex, too many people i don't want to be seeing, the rush from going into a bar when i'm not old enough. No here everything is different. It's better. And still, i have to watch this happen. I have to allow my friends to make new friends and replace me because I won't be going back. I can't do that to them, i have to let them go. It's only fair really. I can't live two lives, be two different people. So one of us has to die. I just hope its the right one.