last wednesday night, i finally decided that enough was 
enough. in a wild, mixed state, i asked my boyfriend to 
take me to the hospital. i was going to drug myself up
and be done with it. 

i was locked up at butler (the local 
psych hospital) for 5 days, dragging my sluggish bag of
bones around the carpeted unit along with the depressives
and addicts. it was a pretty calm unit, compared to what
i experienced when i was 16, and it grew quite boring at
times. every night, i would pace around my room, cursing 
my stupid mixed mind for getting me into that mess, 
throwing my pillows and water bottles around. 

meeting with the doctor was actually a pleasant experience
for once. he didn't like to use labels and works with 
patients based on symptoms not diagnosis. that was very 
refreshing to hear in that setting, yet still he put me on
some heavy meds used to treat "bi-polar". yarg what a sham!

i finally had a good feeling, perhaps too good, on the day
i was discharged and had a wonderful day, getting my 
favorite food for lunch, and going to the library with 
my partner.

however, the following day, i was slammed and crippled
with one of the most intense anxiety attacks i've ever 
experienced. i ended up crawling on my hands and knees 
on a busy sidewalk, holding my head, muttering and moaning
to myself, and hallucinating hard-core. i must have
looked completely out of my mind!
i eventually stumbled across the street and found a
helpful family who let me borrow their cell phone to call
my partner who works right down the street. 

he came and found me and i've been trying to re-cooperate/ 
come off of the lithium and risperdal since.

the anxiety keeps creeping back up on me and even
prevented me from sleeping last night.
everytime i would finally relax and fall asleep, 
something would jolt me back awake again. i couldn't stop
moaning and i just feel so out of control.

i managed to get outside today, but it trigger many 
little attacks that i managed to control with slowing
down to a snail's pace, breathing, and singing to myself.

the one part of me right now that i feel i have control 
over is music. i can still sing. that's me. i can still
play the guitar. that's me. i just need to hold onto these
two gifts until this whole ordeal is over.

i'd say i need a chill pill, but that's exactly what i'm
trying to get away from! ha!