Has anyone else ever woken up in the middle of the night mid-panic attack spewing all of their neuroses like some sick sprinkler system of angst? This has recently become a nightly occurance for me and sadly, for my girlfriend, who is kind enough to roll over and go back to sleep, promptly forgetting all that has transpired, thus leaving me some small measure of dignity. When it happens its like speaking in tongues I feel all this energy, like I'm wired to explode.

What's interesting is that during the day, despite intermitent  feelings/visions of dread that run through my head in a display of panoramic doom, I am happy during the day, I am energetic and passionate and even my friends have said that I seem to have an even better and more deranged sense of humor (which they didn't think was possible). I enjoy the world around me, the warmth, the sun, the spring, the breeze. But its as though as soon as I fall asleep I sink into this pit of terror, my dreams are dark and anxious, my teeth fall out and the blackness closes in around me until finally I wake up as I have described above.

Maybe I feel this terror all the time and its only when I fall asleep that I let it break through my wall of consciousness. I mean ego boundaries mean pretty much fuck all when you're dreaming, they're just a creation of the conscious mind.

But it almost feels to me like I have two persons, the day person who can be in the moment and is focused on life and the night person who focuses on the destructive forces in the world and in myself. It's like moving between the land of the living and the land of the dead, every night. I don't choose it and I don't control it. Right now I am Persephone, and I see that part of my myth. But I can't tell if I should fight it. As long as I fight it, there's a chance that this division will continue against my will. If I stop fighting maybe I'll become Hecate and move freely and confidently between the two worlds, but I also run the risk of being trapped there. Maybe that is my myth.

I know I've been taking this myth thing a little far, but for me its not a metaphor, its a framework of reality. I know I have all this energy and meaning within me, I just need to figure out where it comes from and what it's saying to me. I have gotten so bad at listening to my psyche. I feel like I used to be able to, a long time ago, before I can remember. I want to go back there. Some people would call that  a regression, which scares the shit out of me, but in a way that makes me feel as though I have to face it instead of running away.