in typical me fashion, i have decided i disagree with everything i ever said.  (except this.  and that.  and that other thing.  no, don't even bring that one up.  stop.  ok, we're done.)

maybe dropping a few of the more epithetty and longer words from that list of 7 words you can't say on television (i <3 george carlin.  had a memorial evening when he died.  anyway . . . ) in one's introductory paragraphs is not the best of ideas.  then again.  i dunno.  it's not like i'm sorry.  (hell, i love the "other" "c word" too.  a great sound, that one is.  one of my exbf's wrote a great article about using it as the ultimate compliment.  like cool or awesome, or sweet, only several steps up.  i'll update with it sometime so i don't sound like i'm just trying to justify myself.  the context is transexual people - if you want to have one more than anything in the world, how can it be even slightly degrading or insulting to use that word?  it becomes the ultimate awesome instead) 

i just spent a paragraph trying to justify myself, didn't i?

ok, guilt over.  fuck it.  i live in a tiny universe; in the last 9 months, i have had one meaningful conversation with a person who is not my mom, my uncle, or one of my brothers.  so interacting with people who live in the real world just doesn't happen much. 

that paragraph was all self-justification too, wasn't it.

and now i'm getting neurotic about having said to much about anything about me.  why should anyone want to know about me?  what's it to them?

[sigh]

i'm kinda feeling backed into a corner and hostile right now.  for no reason at all.  defensive

god, i'm watching everything i say (type)

this is why i stopped coming by here for a year.  the paranoia and the fear of being a downer.  and my thing is it's better say nothing than drag everyone down.  who wants to hear from debbie downer?  and the paranoia.  i stop being able to speak to anyone about anything.  unless it's A B S O L U T E L Y  N E C E S S A R Y .  and it almost never is.  the one time silence is comforting as opposed to terrifying.

on the other hand, the new medication, or rather, its side effects, they are going ok.  i'm not nauseated or crampy like i was the last 4 days.  i would even have tried to build frames except my mom doesn't want me using my table saw when no one possessing a car is around.  as if the person with a car would be driving me anywhere were something to happen anyway. 

i feel like the art-thought is progressing, even if the object-making thing is stalled.

looking through friends' collections of photographs and feeling jealous that they do things.  climb mountains, make albums, make paintings, join protest bands, work for charities, finish harvard law while helping trans guys immigrate from even-more-oppressive-to-trans-people-foreign nations, travel all over the world. 

blah.  grumble.  blah.

i need to spend less time on my computer.

i'm starting to feel like i spend most of my time at this thing.  that this is the focus of my existence.

i'm too ADD to drive.  though, no official diagnosis on that one.  but being behind the wheel is terrifying.  or nerve wracking, and then i'm driving and trying to pay attention to the speed and whatever else and all the cars around me and how did i get halfway off the road??  by paying attention to the speed and all the cars around me for starters . . . but this isn't nyc, like i'd hoped.  cars are required to get anywhere.  and i don't drive.  so i don't leave the house, or maybe once a week.  hard to tell, since it's hard to notice the time going by.  that further isolates me.  getting out at night does not happen.  getting out during the day is on my mom's time and she has enough to do.

the previous blogpost was more the me i want to be most of the time.  fun all around (or at least that's the way i approached it).  this is me sitting here itching to just close this tab and not post anything at all.  i don't even want to read this.  (i feel some sort of obligation to make everything i say or do "worth it") (and this isn't)

ok, i'm done now.