i tried to post a song. i guess they won't load. hey in case anyone missed it, my music can be found on soundclick.com as project bluebird. there is a song about medication there i wrote with my friend lizzieloca who just joined here but she needs to introduce herself. i collaborate with a lot of people at icarus now. it is pretty cool.

there is some interest here in tucson for forming an icarus group. i think it may happen. i am ready to put zines around the clinics here.

i had a bad sleep and i had a jealousy attack today cause this woman is sort of flirty with my bf but in a very mild way. i mean he did not respond to it. it was pretty minor but they had this flirty story going for a while before he moved out here and then well it stopped...but i accidentally saw something flirty. i got mad but we talked it out. i just am not good with the committed intimacy thing. i have a lot to learn. i am trying...i am so ready for something to go wrong and it to all come crumbling down...and that would be very sad. he is very good to me really.

i just am real melancholy. i did not listen to leonard cohen in a whole year since breaking up with someone (last xmas on the very day). that was all we used to listen to. now i can listen. it is also a music i heard a lot as a child so it is sad that way too. nostalgia and melancholy.

i got my government check early since monday is a holiday and so we got the money and went through a drivethrough and got some chorizo and eggs burritos. my stomach is going to be upset later.

i dread getting to the doctor, the long drive. i need to at least go for the b vitamin shot. the mental clinic i go to is not going to give me meds if i don't go to their med group and wait forever. but i need to get to the regular doc. but they will call me non compliant. then my mom lectured me about it , reminding me of constant looming threat "think of the alternative, nancy" , of hospital.

grrrrr. i think meds put me in the hospital. ssris, they ruined my life.

ok life is not quite ruined yet. but they wreaked major hvoc on me. i am discoverig more and more, my major psychoses i had were reactions to antidepressant withdrawal and that used to be the only med i took.

i am so tired. i don't know if i can sleep anymore. i feel like shit.