Sex fantasies about my ex, as well as some more romantic feelings of missing him like hell. Thinking this might not last long enough for me to do anything about it, but at the same time it's so extreme that I just want to tell him I want him back and fall into his arms and push him up against a wall before moving on to a nice comfortable bed.

Even within that fantasy world, I know he probably wouldn't want me the way I want to be: small breasted, unshaved, short-haired. And then I go back to thinking about another lover I had for a while. As good as the sex was at the time (and it was really good) I think about it now and I feel disgusted and uncomfortable and embarassed, maybe even angry. Maybe because I don't have any of the attraction I used to have, so recalling those memories is like having sex with someone I'm blatantly not attracted to. That makes a lot of sense. Damn, those kids at group were totally right.

I'm re-dedicating myself to building some arm muscles. Maybe I'll go back to that. Right now I'm just so tired. Time to sleep. More unpacking of my mind tomorrow. Meds, depression in general, group therapy, DBT, breasts, self-harming fantasies, and whatever else I can think of.