As of two weeks ago we are sort of dating again; I say sort of because we decided to see each other only twice a month for now. We never talked about the topic of the wedding and I had no idea that I still held onto feelings about it. The impact upon me from that lost opportunity remained distant and unclear to me until the day she left for *girlfriend’s home state*. I had been feeling a source of distant pain pulling at my heart; indefinable and quite foggy. Then suddenly on the day she left for her trip the fog lifted and the pain rose to the surface to show its ugly head.  I was supposed to be with her on this trip! I was supposed to be with her right now at this very moment, sound asleep in each other’s arms after sharing the joyous experience of a beautiful wedding. The loss of that opportunity for powerful joy and connection with her feels like yet another death to me, the latest in a long train of recent deaths.

 

When I sit and really think hard about this I realize that these deaths are not happening with any more frequency than typical for my life, or possibly even typical for anyone’s life. I am coming to believe that these things which I experience as deaths are indeed typical life events for all of humanity; things that adults simply know how to handle without drama or turmoil. I, however, am not an adult. Emotionally, I am still very much a child, struggling to learn how to deal with pain and loss while riding the various twists and turns life brings to us. I believe the difference now is that I am aware of the impact that these deaths have upon me as they happen rather than burying my feelings and later uncovering them from my emotional past like an archeologist.  In my life prior to now, my subconscious reaction to pain was to simply dissociate from it; cut out the parts of my heart which bled tears and burry them in my murky depths. Each buried pain would later grow into twisted trees of morbidity, subtly influencing my entire being in harmful ways. So, at least this shows progress in the right direction for me and that is all I can ask of myself.

 

This is a new experiencing for me; dealing with life in the present on life’s terms. I am a novice at feeling my feelings as they happen rather than on a delayed reaction. I am Lewis and Clark on an expedition into the unknown. Sometimes I find beautiful wonders on this journey while other times I stumble into hidden dangers. Today I found danger. I stepped on a land mine today and now I sit here wounded, dissecting my pain, trying to learn how I fell down, again, and hurt someone I care about deeply, again.

 

Today I went white water rafting with *girlfriend’s name*’s friend, *her friend’s name*, and a couple of *her friend’s name*’s friends. My roommate, John, is the one who invited me and I’m not even sure how *girlfriend’s name*’s friend became involved in this trip. John used to give *her friend’s name* guitar lessons so I’m guessing he called her and asked if she wanted to go. A few days ago John decided to back out of the trip but I still wanted to go, as did *her friend’s name* and her friends. So, I picked up the task of coordinating with the host of the trip and eventually settled the deal. I felt very excited for the opportunity to get out and have fun with people while interacting with nature at the same time. In retrospect, I believe that part of the excitement I felt came from the fact that *girlfriend’s name*’s friend was going to be there. That should have been my first warning of danger but of course I failed to see it. Looking back, I believe that portion of the excitement I felt came from an increased sense of connection to *girlfriend’s name* through spending time with her friend. Since I was already experiencing pain from the loss of not being present with *girlfriend’s name* during her wedding trip my subconscious saw *her friend’s name* as a way to lessen the pain that I felt. I’m ashamed to admit this is like using her as a tool rather than viewing and treating her as an equal human being. As I am discovering, my emotional underdevelopment attempting to make inappropriate connections in order to not feel pain seems quite typical for me.

 

Like I said, that should have been my first warning of danger but I failed to recognize it.

 

The trip itself actually turned out quite well. We had bright sun, mid 80 degree temperatures, and sections of wonderful class 4 rapids.  We enjoyed amazing mountain views all day long while the ice cold water supplied constant fun and refreshment throughout the day. Our group totaled three boats with eight trip goers, three guides, and one guide in training. The group dynamics seemed to work quite well and the synergy between the members of our boat in particular felt really harmonious.

 

Despite how well it seemed things were going, something very quiet inside me felt a little off. I could not figure out where the feeling was coming from. That should have been my second warning of danger. I say should because I missed that one as well. During lunch break I attempted to meditate for a few minutes on a distant rock to find the source of my discomfort. Unfortunately, rather than provide the soul searching and answers I hoped for the meditation instead connected me firmly with the present moment and my immediate surroundings. At the time, I thought that was a good thing because I no longer felt the discomfort inside me. Now, however, I see the bigger picture. I should have seen my discomfort as a warning and realized that my subconscious was making inappropriate connections with the people around me. Rather than notice the warning, I disconnected from it and connected with only that which was right in front of my face at that immediate moment in time. Namely, *her friend’s name* and her two friends.

 

My recent self explorations taught me volumes about how my lack of object constantly impacts my ability to retain appropriate levels of connections to people when they are no longer physically close to me. I think I have done well with learning how to deal with that aspect of myself. Today, however, is a different story entirely. The path I walked down next today is now teaching me that my lack of object constancy also a flip side to it as well. It does not apply only to my inability to retain appropriate levels of connection when I am no longer near someone close to me; it also creates inappropriate connections to people that happen to be right in front of my face.

 

As the trip down the river neared completion adrenaline pumped through everyone in the raft. Something about the experience seemed to bring a feeling of primal connection for me: the danger of the rapids, responding as a synchronous group to commands from the guide, paddling so hard all day that our hands and muscles burned with fatigue. I felt a strong connection to everyone when we beached our rafts, as if we were all suddenly very close friends because we had survived something raw and powerful together. This was the world in front of my face at that very moment.

 

The intensity of connection that I felt to people should have been warning sign number three. Once again, I failed to see it. Unfortunately, it did not even occur to me that my feelings of friendship were high inappropriate because I hardly knew anyone there. Clearly, my feelings had been amplified by my childlike state of emotional development but I never took notice; I was too busy living in the present moment to stop and reflect on my state of mine. Looking back, I realize now that this feeling, while most likely partially partly present for everyone there, was so overly exaggerated in me that my feelings no longer matched the reality shared by everyone else.

 

Up until this moment, even despite these unnoticed internal challenges of mine, the day seemed to go well without me causing an upset or drama. That all changed in the blink of an eye though and I was about to walk down a new path in the road. Rafting up here is in glacier water and everyone was in full wet suites. Now that the trip was over the wetsuits all came off and suddenly I found myself in the presence of three beautiful women wearing nothing more than skimpy string bikinis. If three strikes means you’re out then I was indeed out because I had missed all three warning signs today. The strong sense of connection I felt to the others suddenly included a very physical twist for me with respect to the three women that were in my raft (*her friend’s name* and her two friends).

 

Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, I caught myself literally staring at their feminine curves, endless exposed skin, and itsy bitsy bikinis. An immediate tornado of chaos flooded me, sweeping me away as if I had fallen out of a raft into the rapids. I felt inundated with female sensuality and the primal experience of their soft flesh in front of my face. Looking back, I now realize that the sensuality I felt oozing off two of the women in particular was actually intended for the tour guides they had been flirting with all day. I was already lost in the experience though, so rational thought was beyond comprehension at that moment. My highly distorted state of mind combined with my narcissism sucked in every ounce of my present experience. I felt incredibly wrong staring at them but I could not stop myself from doing it. I heard myself thinking loud thoughts. What the hell is going on! Why am I staring at them? Damit, I did it again! Good god they are hot as hell so of course I want to stare at them. Dude, that’s HORRIBLE! You are such a bad person for wanting to do that! You are dirty and evil and wrong! Shit, I’m staring at them again. What the fuck is WRONG with me?

 

I felt dozens of contradictory emotions all at the same time and I could not make sense of any of them: shame mixed with pride, guilt mixed with pleasure, total confusion mixed with pinpoint focus on all the exposed femininity. I felt shocked and mortified by my sudden state of mind but at the same time I felt powerless against my compulsion to stare. Needless to say, I felt very confused. A mixed state is an understatement.

 

The drive home only made things worse for me. Rather than talking, which probably would have given me a chance to correct my drastically confused and altered state of mind, all three women fell sound asleep in my car while I drove us home. Being close to a sleeping woman has always been a remarkably powerful experience for me and now I suddenly found myself surrounded by three of them right at a time when I was already experiencing intense and highly inappropriate feelings of connection to them. By the time we arrived home I felt convinced that we were all very close friends by now. As I said, rational thought was already beyond my comprehension.  The kinship felt as natural and normal to me as the water and air along the river. I no longer felt boundaries which are appropriate for people I hardly even know. Unfortunately, I was still not aware that my boundaries and feelings of connection were completely inappropriate for the situation. Two of them I met just that morning and I have had only minimal contact with *her friend’s name* prior to today but at that moment I felt like I could speak completely openly with any of them as I would with someone I’ve been close friends with for years.

 

As we got close to their car I woke them up, dropped them off, then headed into my home to unpack and clean up. Immediately something felt very wrong to me; so wrong in fact that I started to panic, badly. I felt the feeling of connection fading and I convinced myself that I had done something horribly wrong to cause them to leave me. Thoughts once again filled my head. What the fuck is WRONG with me??? Why did I keep staring at them! You are a bad person! You caused them to leave.  Your staring deeply offended them and THAT is why they left you. Hurry you fucking dumbass, do something right NOW to make up for it or they will be gone forever!

 

*sigh*

 

Yes, this same old story again; the horribly twisted and skipping record player of a Borderline. I fucking hate this shit. It is always lurking in the shadows ready to pounce my brain and claw at my heart. All that intensely exaggerated and highly inappropriate connection that I felt to them suddenly stated to fade just as quickly as it had come. My tape track of abandonment screamed at maximum volume to do something immediate and drastic to “fix it”. In my emotional chaos I sent a text to *her friend’s name*:

 

“Hey, sorry I was staring at you three after we got our wetsuits off. All three of you looked so shockingly hot in bikinis that I caught myself staring a couple times.”

 

When I sent that text the reality and boundaries in my head were more akin to someone that I have been close friends with for many years. I had honestly felt extremely shocked by the sensual beauty of three women in tiny bikinis suddenly appearing in front of my face. I felt both alarm and horror that I could not stop staring at them and I believed that an openly revealing apology seemed wholly appropriate for the situation. My reality was not a shared reality, of course. My reality lived only in my own head. The reality shared by others is that *her friend’s name* and I hardly even know each other, she is *girlfriend’s name*’s friend rather than mine, and my text was extremely inappropriate.

 

After sending that text I felt much better. I calmed the voices screaming to “fit it”. I actually believed she would send some kind of response along the lines of “It’s okay. We were staring at you guys too. We had a really good looking group of people today so it’s no big deal.” I went to bed for a nap, feeling good that I handled things well by apologizing for crossing the boundaries of a friendship by starting at them. I also felt absolutely terrified that I had done something wrong but that is a normal feeling for me after an episode of feeling confused so I thought nothing further of it. What I missed completely is the fact that I had just made someone else responsible for my own feelings. As I would soon learn, the women never even noticed that I was staring at them; never even felt the chaos of my extremely distorted state of mind. I am the only one who felt horror and uncomfortable with me and all my text did was transfer the burden of my experience onto *her friend’s name*.

 

As no surprise to anyone who lives outside of my own head, I woke up to a very angry text from *girlfriend’s name*. *her friend’s name* was so shocked and offended by my text to her that she had forwarded it to *girlfriend’s name* in the middle of *girlfriend’s name*’s reception dinner. *girlfriend’s name* was furiously mad at me. Now, a phone call and many texts later, once again *girlfriend’s name* is on the verge of totally removing me from her life again.

 

Sometimes I feel like this ride will never end. Whenever I feel like I finally have a handle on how being Borderline constantly screws with me something new inevitably pops up and causes yet another train wreck. My lack of object constancy struck me down again, this time in the form of creating powerful but inappropriate connections with people I should not have connection with, rather than loosing appropriate connections with those that I should. I planned on going Salsa dancing tonight to practice the new moves I learned in class last week but feel so sickened by with myself I caved up at home on the couch with my roommate and did nothing but stew in my own bile. Eventually, I started to dig my way out and found the energy to write this. One of my final texts to *girlfriend’s name* before sitting down to write said:

 

“I know I still have lots to learn about life. I’m going to make stupid mistakes along the way. I’m doing the best I can *girlfriend’s name*, and I feel proud of the progress I’m making. I’m far from perfect though so all I can do is admit to my mistakes, learn from them, and hope that my best is good enough for you.”

 

Right now, that still feels very valid to me even after writing this. I still feel mortified at how I have once again caused someone I deeply love even more pain and suffering. That feeling has not changed by me writing this. The part that has changed however is I now recognize that continuing to beat myself up about my mistakes only makes things worse and sends me further backwards into my own personal hell. I have to accept my mistakes, forgive myself, make amends for my mistakes where ever possible, keep plodding forward as best I can, and simply keep hoping for the best. My honest best effort is all I can expect of myself and if that is not good enough for someone else then that’s just too damn bad. It is not the end of me; my life will go on and I will continue to get better as the days go by. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else would like, but that’s okay.

 

Hmm, I wonder what I will feel tomorrow. Ohh wait, it IS tomorrow already - the sun has already risen now… I wonder what I will feel later today...