The depression is lifting a bit, and just in time to save me from complete insanity!

The last couple of days I have been feeling particularly numb. I am so isolated that I spent extra time at work transporting kids and helped cook breakfast just so I had some more interaction with people. I know....it's pathetic....it's beyond pathetic really.

This breakup with M almost 6 months ago (really it was just the loss of a good friend since we really only tried to make it more than that) still has me extremely guarded. Never have I attached to someone so much and then lost the friendship so completely. It sends chills up my spine thinking about it. How she duped me into believing I was an important part of her life. And how I fell for it so completely because I loved her. If she really felt that I was important to her, she would make an effort like I have to rekindle the friendship. Apparently it wasn't that important to her.

I have experienced that a lot. Having to make huge efforts to keep people in my life because they are just too....fill in the blank...busy, uninterested,have other priorities....

I think this aspect of friendship has made it the most painful for me. I will do anything for the people I care about, because I know that a good friend is in short supply. But it seems I don't actually fit anywhere. The people who want to spend time with me I am uninterested in, and the people I want to spend time with are uninterested in me! It seems I fit nowhere. M was one exception. The only exception maybe in my entire life. So I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself for not getting back in the game this soon. These things take time.

I am fairly certain she has long forgotten about me though. So I must do the same and move on. Nothing more pathetic than lingering over a girl who has long forgotten about you.

The sad thing is I don't even want anything but friendship. Occasional hanging out. Talking about real things, studying together....that's all I ever expected or wanted. And somehow even that is beyond what she wants. Was I that stupid all along to fall for the myth that someone could actually love me for who and what I am? I guess so. Oh well. I doubt I'll be that dumb again.

Squirrel