i find it slightly troublesome that, when left to my own devices, i could stay in bed all day. i formulate lists to coax myself out of bed.

(despite it's banal nature, i will share this list with you now)

1) eat breakfast, even if it's already 2 in the afternoon! check!
2) check on ups package! wtf! why do i have to go to redmond to pick this up! fuck you, ups!
3) read at least 100 pages of the linehan book! try to finish it by next week, for the love of god!
4) draw for at least three hours! i have so many ideas that i am excited about, my hands don't move fast enough!
5) launder bedsheets + clean rat cage!

do the exlamation marks make it more exciting? i have to say that i felt a little obligated to sprinkle in some expletives because of my feelings about the nature of exclamatory punctuation, at least in a superficially simple format like a fucking to-do list.
what? oh.

my need to control my immediate surroundings is being seemingly transferred to wanting more direct input over what i am spending my time doing (going to work breaks my heart a little everyday). looking at potential squandered due to obligation makes me increasingly angry; my patience is withering. both are about the need to feel in control due to fear.
the zen part of dbt is interesting to me, and also slightly terrifying.
being in a nervous space all of the time and negotiating what that means is tiring. i'll get better at it, eventually, but for now letting go of my imagined sense of dominion scares me because i don't want to get lost or fucked up. what does giving up control look like to me? constant surprises. constant readjustment. things taking longer than needed. being vulnerable to outside elements.
oh. maybe that's why.
but it could also look like this:
improvisation. creative attunement. being open to reciprocal influential experiences. proactively building a new emotional space. constant surprises.
the ways my brain is focused on prolonging this process have to do with muscle memory. when certain people or environmental factors are reintroduced with no real newly developed language/interaction or ability to practice new skills, it is alarming to be back in an old emotional space that was clustered with half eroded memories of failures and depression. when it happens i feel as though i am being forcibly removed from my very newly developed sense of fortitude, and the part of me that is constantly looking for acceptance and guidance whines out, "is this ok? am i doing this right?" but if there is no correct path, of course i am doing the right thing by doing what makes sense to myself.
mostly i go between feeling like i understand what has to be done and persuing a direct plan of action, and confusion. from clarity into ideation disfigurement, the median is in a constant process of slippage.
for now, practice the basic tenets of self care: sleep, eating well, excersize, cultivating internal dialogue and practicing it externally. i'm wondering if i need to stop drinking coffee again.