This blog is helping me a lot already. I like the idea that no one I knoew will ever read it, and that I can just post all the time and look at my thoughts in front of me. It's very different than a paper journal, which i can never keep for more than two days. It's very interesting how I change even in the space of three days. I have a tendency to identify completely with whatever i am feeling at the moment, and it's always a struggle to ground myself into a more rational reality.

So, I miss her. I am really really trying to get over it. I thought that if I went back home for FIVE WEEKS this summer I would get over it. I didn't-I came back and it was worse. I know this is unhealthy. I know this is dead-ended. I know this is only going to make me suffer more and more. But I can't help it. There is no one in the world as perfect and beautiful as her. There is nothing in her that doesn't surpass everything else, in everyone else. I don't know how I can ever get over it. I really need to, if one thing will run me to the ground in the end, it will be this. It has given me way more pain than I thought I could handle back in June.

I feel very unhappy here. I am not finding the joy I found in other terms. I have very often moments of complete panic when I can't remember why I'm here and I want to leave. And being around her doesn't help. I hate being here, that's the truth, though on an intellectual level I understand the value of being here, on an emotional level I hate it and it's a day by day struggle. But I am staying, not for me but for others. And don't tell me there's anything wrong with that.