I feel as if I want to be blogging, but this just isn't something that can go in my proper blog. So here I am back at Icarus.

I think I'm an idiot. I stopped taking meds cold turkey about a week ago. Basically without thinking about it. I still don't know why the fuck I did that. It's stupid, I know. I've had crippling headaches since then. And I've also had really weird head twinges.....It literally just occured to me that this weird symptom might be related to me not taking my meds. I should go back on them, obviously. Especially since they weren't giving me any bad side effects that I noticed. And right now my head hurts like it's possibly never hurt before. Not that I can really remember what pain was like in the past....but I'm digressing. I'm going to go back upstairs and take my meds. And yet, there's still something inside of me that doesn't want to. Even though I've been crying every day for the past three days. And I've been cutting again. Pretty bad, too. What the fuck is wrong with me? See, and just thinking that makes me want to not take my meds, just sit in a little ball crying all day. And I can't talk to my mother and I can't talk to my shrink and I don't have any friends.

Last night I was grinding with some very attractive girl and today I just can't think about sex or being with anyone, much less being naked, which would involve an awkward discussion about the cuts on my body. But I got her number, and gave her mine, which poses the problem of having insinuated that it could be a continued thing. And yet I'm so not in a position to be having sex or even a vague sex-related relationship with anyone. And yet I'm still fantasizing about older men. Oh, how my mind is fucked. Not to mention my hard-drive. That word really ought to have fewer "d"s. I think I'm going to go upstairs and take my meds (but not more than one dose, as tempting as that is) and then I'm going to clean up my room and smoke out of the window (which is going to be very difficult, but is still much better than dealing with going in and out of my building while less than sober) and have some rum and grapefruit juice. And then I'm going to go to sleep. My computer is fried, which means no movies, no tv, no music except for headphones....but somehow I'll manage. Maybe I'll smoke in the shower instead. That might work. I've done it before and there's something nice about sitting in the steam.

Okay then. Here goes. Ugh. Just thinking about going up to my room is making me feel like shit again. I don't want to. I don't like it in there. I have too much shit and I hate all of it. And I hate my roommates and being some place that isn't clean. I really just want a completely empty white room with a mattress on the floor and maybe a television. I'd smoke and drink and zone out and be so very happy. I used to want that so badly. That's what I fantasized about, if you can really call it fantasizing, when I cried hysterically back in high school. Okay, here goes. This was helpful. I have somewhere to start, a hypothesis to test.