in the morning i think like a child. i talk like a child. i laugh like a child. my girlfriend treats me as if she is my mother: coaxing me through the morning ritual. she places dry bread in front of me and tells me to eat, because "eating is good! you like eating..." and i eat. once i have food in my stomach, she aproaches the medication. this is a more delocate step. as a child, i don't like the medication. it makes my heart pound and my head hurt and stops me from thinking. as an adult, and a college student, i know better. "how much do you need today?" she asks."30 or 40?" i wine. "it's thursday. you have psych." i wine. deep in my mind, i remember that i stayed up late last night. i will be tired today, so if i take the full dose i will have no energy at all. i should take 30. i muster up all of my will power and force my little baby face to poke out of the covers and say something. anything. i begin the explain my reasoning for dosage choice, but the words all come out in a jumble. i stop. i try again: "i will have thirty because my head is tired and if i have everything my heart will hurt and so i would like a thirty please but i will need water to help." Kathryn has been doing this (putting up with this) for almost two years. she's a saint! she understands me. but i don't. i am not tired. i've been up for hours this morning: feeling my back, watching her sleep, babbling to myself in my head. i'm not tired, i'm just *little.* she places the slim orenge pill in my hand. i look at it. i glower at it. i pop it in my mouth, and swallow. i take a swig of water. i wait. for the next 45 minutes kathryn and i have a strictly mother-daughter bond. she feeds me, dresses me, listens indulgently as i babble about my dreams. in this state i am incapeable of starting anything. she must ask me what needs to go into my backpack, where my purse is, where my shoes are. when i am not answering her questions i drift off, staring into nothing. i call this loosing time. i once missed 4 hours doing this. i was outside in the yard, and i looked at the grass and saw that it was growing fresh shoots, and then the sun went down. just like that. i'd lost the day. but other things happen durring this time: waiting for the meds to kick in. most noticably, i think. a lot. my medication keeps my conscious. it keeps me aware of my surroundings and alows me to be productive. but, even more importantly, it slows my thoughts. unmedicated, in my natural state, i am a child of racing thoughts untempered by cultural norms or even personal morals. i think evil things. some that i have never spoken aloud, and some that i have and will never forgive myself for. these are not schizophrenic voices or urges, nore are they obsessions. they are the words of my own internal monologue that has gone hay-wire: an internal monologue with no self control. they are the rantings of a mind of a 20 year old with, of all things, ADD. the medication i take is adderall. i am supposed to take 40 milligrams of it every morning. if my heart could survive it, they'd put me on 50. as it is, the 40 scares me and i often only take 30 and regret it later on because i find myself not absorbing information in my lectures. so, I have ADD. not BPD, not PTSD, not OCD or schizophrenia. so, why am i here? because what i have is my dangerous gift. my briliant maddness. at the age of 11 i had the reading level of a first grader and the problem sloving skills of a 40 year old. i am here because i am tired of being dismessed, tired of being told i don't try hard enough, tired of being told i have it easy; that i "just have ADD." I have created this blog to show *this* community that ADD is real. yes, very over diagnosed, but real. and in some people it borders on pychosis. you see, you are the people i am compared to. people with "real" problems. you are trying to walk the divide between "problem" and "vision." for years now, i've been trying to walk it too. but everytime get my balance from the "problem" side, i get knocked off! not because i don't have a problem, but because it's supposedly the wrong "kind" of problem. it's a "school-related" problem. a "learning" problem. that's bulshit. i see the world differently. just like you see the world differently. this will be a collection of short stories, poems, and thought trains and it will surve two purposes. 1) as a place to vent my frustration, my brainwaves, and my general spastic thoughts. 2) as a manefesto: this is my head. my head has ADD. and yet i think i belong here. what does this say about the world? i intend to update atleast once a week. and i will only write in this blog when unmedicated.