nothing particularly brilliant or attempting brilliance here.  just complaining into the ether.

crabby.  risperidone was not my friend.  have not taken any in maybe closing in on 2 weeks now, started the weaning process weeks before that, still think i might be in some sort of withdrawal.  no more antipsychotics or atypicals or whatever for a good long while.

and going onto lamitogrine i think it is.  ungenerically refered to lamictal anyway.  3rd week of that. 

so i guess my system is all fucked up.  swingy moodwise.  crabby then energized then depressed then hyper then angry then panicked.  or any order.  not really keeping track.  nauseated, crampy.  lightheaded. 

tired a lot.  trying to maintain regular me hours (i guess the time zone in which i would be considered diurnal would be moscow, iraq, iran,sudan, kenya, madagascar et cetera) so that i can try to keep up with cooking for the family.  my uncle and one brother needs meat all the time, both uncle and brothers eat like twice as much as my mom and i.

oh yeah, eating less.

don't much feel like eating.

lonely.

not sure when i last left the house, but there's not really anywhere for me to go around here anyway, not really anyone i know who's really available either, and nothing much i want to see or do.

haven't talked to friends (almost all up north) much in ages, what with the depression following the painkiller fiasco in february, the depression that followed, the risperidone following that, going on, being miserable, going off, which arrives at now.  they get occasional promises that i'll call soon.  or phonetag

watching movies when anxiety allows.  reading graphic novels when patience permits.  a lot of research for the theoretical graphic novel i'll be trying to do soon.  drawing for myself a bit here and there.  started trying to bring that drawing vocabulary into small painting sketches, but not much progress.  keep hoping i'll get through dinner with enough energy to work some later in the evening, but it doesn't happen often. 

ate maybe a third of dinner before i lost interest in food tonight, my eyes kind of itch right now, i'm kind of sleepy, but if i fall asleep i'll only end up napping and be up til 9am again.

fight with a friend last night online.  wish he'd stop acting like we were dating, stop demanding all my online time and acting jealous when i was talking with more than him online.  should have stopped seeing him before i ever started.  but that was years ago and i was fucked up then, not that i'm much less fucked up now.  am not sorry for anything i said last night, wonder if there's actually anything to salvage in that friendship or if it was all about trying to bed me or be my sugar daddy or whatever.  don't really want to talk to him at all right now, hope he isn't online later, but wouldn't be surprised if he was . . .

sick of complaining too.  and sick of having shit to complain about.  i'm pretty damn lucky, i'd say.

ok, exhausted the writing energies for now.