I HATE YOU

for the fact that you're still the only person who can make me SMILE.  Like, for real smiles, the ones that actually count.  The only thing that keeps that smile on my face is when I have my head on you're chest.  To hear your heartbeat and feel every breath you take.  To know that you and me are both right there.  I want to believe that that's where you'll always be.  I'm afraid to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone else but you.  Fuck conundrums.  They control my goddamn life.  Every time I see happy couples it just reminds me that we can't have that, even though everyone seems to say we are perfect together.

I'm loyal.  When we made love it meant something to me.  I don't want to fuck around.  I gave it up to a guy who treated me like shit and didn't care how I felt.  We were never both there.  I never enjoyed it.

When I see you I see someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Someone who actually means something to me.

INSTANT GRATIFICATION

That's what its all about, right?

RIGHT HERE

RIGHT NOW

Thats all thats important.  That's what everyone keeps telling me.  I want to believe it but it really seems to me like it's starting to get old.

Let's just live.  Right here, right now in this moment. 

That's a lot easier when you have someone there to tell you that they're always there, and that everything will be okay.

I believe one thing 100%.  That's that you an me can make it together.  I don't like being vulnerable, but I really do think that together we could survive.  We could live a life together thats really 100% genuinley worth living.  A life that's fufilling.

I want to say all these things to you but I know they won't change anything.  Maybe someday things will come together and I can be able to tell you all the things I could never find the words to say and we can both look back on this fucked up situation and LAUGH.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did it ever occur to you that maybe it really isn't fair to me?  That maybe as well as you mean these days everything you do, every time you make me smile, its just a painful reminder of how much this hurts.  That I will never know what could have come of it.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's okay.  That I'm okay.

Maybe its because I know that when you ask me what's wrong nothing I could possibly say will ever make a difference to you.  I could spill my entire heart out into you're lap and you wouldn't even acknowledge it.

Maybe all I need is to hear you say, "Im Sorry."  I think I deserve it.  Or maybe I'm just crazy.  That's what everyone keeps telling me.

Or maybe that won't change anything, and everything will still hurt just as bad as it does right now.

I really do resent you for it.  I love you.  I will always love you, no matter what happens between us.  You will always have a special place in my heart, but you hurt me more than I think you understand.  I just wish you could care about me as much as I care about you.

You showed me a whole new world.  I was finally full of hope and wonder and excited about the future instead of afraid of it.  I believed that everything really was going to be okay.  It was as if all the pieces of the universe had finally fallen perfectly into place... It was all so clear, until you ripped it out from underneath me.  You left me a shattered, broken shell of the person who I once was.

Maybe your're fucking invincible.  You really do seem to be impervious to pain and emotion sometimes.  I hate to break it to you but the rest of the world isn't.  Believe it or not, every action that you make affects other people, whether you like it or not.

And you hurt her too.  She may not be my favorite person on the planet; I mean, right now she's probably more like my arch nemesis.  It's still wrong.  She loves you too.  And you hurt her every day just like you hurt me.

Maybe you don't realize it.  Maybe you just don't care.  One things for sure, a lot of people have been getting hurt recently by you're "let's just be" attitude all the time.

Maybe someday she'll be gone, and I'll be gone too, running away from the pain you've caused both of us.  Maybe then youll realize how much you're actions hurt other people.  And maybe you'll start to care.

Maybe not.

I hope so.