so i have been eyeballing this website for ages it seems like now. and i'm at a point where i feel like participating will help more than just witnessing.

i don't know where to start. i'm scared. i'm scared that i can't do what i've been trying so long to do, which is to get past my own stability issues. i name it so vaguely because i've been given so many different names for it, what am i do believe? what i am to identify with? if i allow myself to really identify with how i feel much of the time, i am afraid i will make the extremes manifest.

i have a job that i love. except that it makes me sweat with panic, regularly. i want so badly to be good at it though, to excel within the structure. at the same time, if i could make a living doing what i know i can do, on days that i feel i can do them, then i might be okay.  would i be better off working for myself or wereit not for my attempts to fit into this structure, might i just melt into an unproductive, boundary-less blob. 

i feel like i am not being clear at all, but i don't know what to focus on. i'm constantly feeling that i'm not cut out for this role - to be relied on, depended on, expected to be as capable as i was yesterday, tomorrow. i can't tell anyone what i'm going to be like tomorrow. i don't know how to take on an intellectual challenge wihtout it being surmounted by the emotional challenge not to fall off my rocker in the process of trying... and i don't know what i am looking for, other than some support i guess. some ideas. something that might make me worry less about medication and diagnosis and focus more on my actual life -- not just the limits i feel...