Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;}

  First I would like you all to know you are indeed special to me. There are certain things that I live with that make my life hard. My physical disability and my mental disability are two of the hardest. Loneliness and the rejection of society are also major issues. So much to say and so few words to use I’m not sure where to begin. So please excuse me if I tend to ramble, but if you read all of this you will have a greater knowledge of me. All of my life people have been abusive, physically, verbally, psychologically and emotionally. When most people were learning how to communicate with others, I was learning about my mental illness. When they were learning about how to seduce the opposite sex, I learned about medicine and its side effects. While they learned how to succeed in life, I learned how to be in touch with my feelings and to control my thoughts. When they were in college learning a profession I was learning how to talk with doctors and therapists. Due to my mental illness I have spent most of my life alone and I am so very lonely.

      Yes I know how angry this sounds, but I know I am not alone in this. So please read on. Never be afraid of asking questions. Question everything, assume nothing and always keep an open mind.   What I live with can not be just pushed to the side and ignored. In order for me to not become suicidal I must be ever aware of myself and my emotional state. Anyone coming into my life needs to learn all they can about this. You think talking about it makes it worse this is wrong. Talking leads to understanding and that helps, anything that helps is a good thing. Yes sometimes when I am talking about this I get upset ,but it’s ok once in a while I need that and even though that may cause you to worry you need to realize that if I do not get upset sometimes, now that is bad very bad. Because that is when I hold it all in and that can lead to thoughts of suicide.

    I am a 48 year old male. I was born in Oneonta, New York and spent most of my childhood in Sidney, New York. Not that unusual one might think but I was born with a curse.  That curse came in the form of mental illness, mostly depression.  You can pick any kind of abuse other than sexual and I have suffered it and some I suffer to this day. Now I want this to be very clear this abuse was not at the hands of my parents. Mom was the best person I’ve ever known and although Dad did not understand what I live with he tried to do right by me in recent years he has learned a lot and that is very helpful. The fact is I still suffer abuse at the hands of society at large it comes mostly in the form of verbal abuse.

   The first 25 years of my life I was used as a human punching bag by most males the fact is the only one that never hit me is my Dad. Still to this day I get a lot of verbal abuse from most males. So you see in my entire life I have only made four friends that are male.

  I can remember back to age 5 I had one friend her name, Wendy we were friends till my family moved when I was 7. It took me six years to make any new friends then I met Renee and her sister Debbie for the next two years they were all I had that’s when Becky moved into town she and we became friends on the first day of school. At age 16 I quite school to get away from the physical abuse I lost Becky and the abuse kept coming for another nine years. At 17 I met Shauna she was different we were a lot more than friends we were together for almost a year. Shauna is mother to my daughter Andrea; she will be 31 in December of this year.

. Two months after my 18th birthday I met my friend Bob for the first time in my life I had a friend that was male. On my 19th birthday I met my friend Conrad, yes now I had two male friends and two female friends. Over the next 9 years I met several ladies and made friends of some. On my 21 first birthdays I met Renee’s boyfriend Arnold and we became friends. Nine years, the birth of my son got married and divorced all before I would meet my only other male friend Neil. Most of the friends that I have told you about we have lost contact and I do not know if they are still my friends.

   As I told you I call what I live with a curse. The reason I call it a curse is the way people treat me due to the fact I have it. In large part I blame the media for that, after all they have spent decades telling the world people like me are cruel blood thirsty monsters. Never mind some simple facts; (1) 99 out of 100 crimes that involve a mentally ill person they are the victim not the criminal; (2) Tens of thousands of mentally ill people live and work among us and you don’t even know it.; (3) 1 out of 10 CEOs suffer some form of compulsive disorder this is a form of mental illness. And the list goes on. Now no your questions are not too personal, better one million questions then one wrong assumption. There is one thing that worries me about answering your questions. Most people that I give this information to pull away and stop all communication. Please excuse my attitude but, what I live with is not contagious and I don’t care what people think they know simple put what they think is based in the lies of the media. One last point and this people don’t believe but it is true, think about it. Two men one quietly hangs himself in the woods. The other takes a gun and kills six then himself. Now both have the same mental illness, yet you will see only one in the news and he will be there for days. Once the media finds out he was mentally ill that one fact halts any and all further investigation. What you are never told about is the years of abuse this man suffered at the hands of society. For the most part I feel that we the mentally ill have very limited choices; (1) pretend we are not ill; (2) do as I do hide behind closed curtains and locked doors; (3) die.

    Now as to my disability, several years ago I fell off a roof and landed on my back on concrete. As a result I have five ruptured disks and two pinched nerves in my back. Yes I can walk but it is limited to a few miles a day. In addition to this I have rheumatoid arthritis that has damaged my left hip and knee I wear a brace on my knee.  I have asthma so I really don’t like smoke. I also have a weak heart valve so I must be careful of that. In addition I have epilepsy it is well controlled and I have not had any problem for five years now.

    Ok now on to the curse fist please remember that no one is in any danger of any kind the only person who could be is me. Second remember I take my medicine daily and do not skip it however it is important to note the medicine is not a cure and it works well but it only works to a point. Beyond that point I have copping skills therapy and the support of family and friends all be it that the support is way too thin for my comfort.

    My diagnosis is Sever Depression, Sever Bi Polar Disorder Type 2 Main Axis Depressed, Seasonal Effective Disorder (more commonly known as seasonal depression) Sever Anxiety, Sever Social Anxiety with Panic Attacks, Mild Schizophrenia with Suicidal Psychosis, Mild Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces, thankfully this does not bother me often) and Attention Deficit Disorder.

 Yes this all means I am severely mentally ill. And as result I have suffered a life time of abuse and cruelty at the hands of society, yes males were and still are the worst. Please know this there was NO abuse at the hands of my parents my Mom was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known and Dad is now as he has been my biggest source of support. Please understand I suffer enough abuse from within my own skin so please I don’t want or need any more.