im learning to calculate my thoughts.  the pieces of my mind are sorta starting to come back together like jenga on rewind.  i mean, i really didnt expect to get my mind back in one piece now did i.  piece by piece my minds coming back together.  im trying to not let myself get frustrated too easily because im damn good at that.  i really need to learn to have fucking patience with things.  getting my thoughts out in a way that makes any sense at all is tough right now.  i was inside my own head for so long that i sort of forgot how to exist on planet earth.  one thing at a time no one said it was gonna be easy. i have a million things on my mind right now and i feel a little crazier than i have in awhile, but im off my meds again and hell, whats to be expected.  follow my convoluted train of thought if you can... i mean, who better at it than you guys.

im not really sure how i feel about this rant.  i mean, its not full of anger at least, but ive done a lot of really hard thinking tonight. the realty is im scared fucking shitless of what im in for.  i had some epic catching up with my friend casey tonight and ive been thinking about a lot of shit.  ive been spewing an endless stream of crazy to her all night like i do but its different.  usually when i rant its full of pain and frustration and anger.  i mean i need to rant right now and i know i feel pretty damn nutty right now, but im here.  im tethered down to planet earth.  i have a hard time finding productive ways to spew the great ball of energy inside me.  it has to go fucking somewhere.  i need to make a point to put it into something or itll just fucking explode.  and ive complicated things for myself, i know that.  ive made mistakes... we all do, but theyre in the past, theres nothing i can do to change them now.  all i can do is build off of where i am.  and it makes the simplest things so complicated.  simple things that build up on top of one another.  good things.  things i like doinjg.  things i enjoy.  things that make me happy.   i forgot how to fucking LIVE.  i have to start from square one.  its like fucking kindergarden.  ive wasted so much time.   i need simple fucking things, like simple fucking hobbies.  something to spew into.  i have all this energy and it just builds and builds until theres so much of it that im just lost in the cloud and im lost in the confusion and i cant direct it anywhere anymore.  i need to find outlets for it.  something to spew it into. 

and ill be blunt about it.  i really do suck at doing things that make me happy.  it makes no sense.  it should come so natually.  but i have to fucking force myself.  i have to teach myself to fucking live.  ive been ranting to casey all fucking night.   i should be done by now.  so overzealous all the time.  i love having those crazy convoluted plans that are so ridiculous they just might work.  i want to piece together all the pieces of the great puzzle of life all in one sitting.  i have to remind myself that i have all the time in the fucking world.  im in no hurry to get anywhere.  i dont have to do everything all at once.

and if i were to say i dont feel TOTALLY FUCKING OUT MY MIND right now  would only be lying to myself.  thats something i learned.  i dont know about everyone else but i  do thing where i create myself crazy fucking convoluted situations that are much more difficult for me to have to deal with in the long run for me to make it easier to lie to myself.  im all talked out.  my mind wont shut up.  ive been rantng and raving all day.  im beat.  im done with it.  but my off switch is being a little faulty agan so what can i really do?  just roll with the punches.  honestly.  i want to go to fucking sleep.  i need to find things to pour myself out into BECAUSE I HAVE TO FUCKING DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME.  it scares me shitless.  im not gonna lie.  im done fucking lying.  the only person i keep hurting is myself.  so im feeling wacked out right now.  pretty crazy.  but i know it.  this used to come so natually to me.  it used to be a way of life.  I REALLY GOT TO LEARN TO KEEP IT FUCKING IN CHECK.  hopefully as i slowly piece my mind back together i can learn to organize my trains of thought better.  i have a lot to fucking say.  i have a lot to fucking offer.  i know it.  im just so afraid to use what i have.  i know i can use it to my advantage.  i know theres gotta be a way to channel it into something good.  all this raw energy.  but i keep letting it spiral out and then im back at square one.  i cant play this fucking game anymore.  running around in circles just to keep ending up right back where started.  and i know whats going on.  believe it or not im on top of things.  i just suck at listening to directions, even if im giving them to myself.  I KNOW BETTER.  i know that im smart.  i know that i have something to offer.  I NEED TO FUCKING LISTEN TO MYSELF.  i love trying to make excuses for the way i feel at any given moment but excuses arent worth shit.  im not quite sure why im feeling the way i am right now but i am.  no need to make excuses.  just dont let yourself slip out.  and ive known that i was fucking scared shitless to make things right for a long fucking time... but i feel like tonight was the first time i ever really let that register in my head.  i knew it but i wouldnt fucking listen.  i hate being vulnerable.  i get angry and my mind just creates this person, this thing i become, to protect what im really feeling inside.  im fucking terrified.  and really admitting that to myself has definitley been a step.  baby steps.  i could keep writing all night.  i feel like i should force myself to stop.  try to at least pretend to sleep.  a rest period.  but im having a moment.  i love them and i hate them at the same time.  its not good or bad its just a moment.   intense.  those are the moments i live for. and feeling as crazy as i do right now scares me a little.  its like an old friend coming to visit.  reminding me of the places ive been.  i wanna ride it out.  i wanna keep going.  as much as it scares me a little to feel this way again i just have to keep my fucking head on straight.  i know nothing.  i dont know what im gonna do.  but i gotta fucking do it and do it right this time.  i gotta believe it.  and im going and going and going like the energizer bunny and if i really tried hard enough i could probably force myself to turn off at this point but i need my moment.  ive been up all night and spewing crazy thoughts like theres no tommorow.  tommorows always another day... but  i feel so intense right now.  its strange to feel this way but these are the moments  i fucking live for.  so fucking intense.  so fucking passionate.  i get fed up with it rather easy these days.  i feel it coming on and im like "oh no not this shit again"  but i fucking love it.  i just need to train myself to keep one foot on the ground at all times and get both back by morning.  

i feel like  i might be talking in circles at this point but i just dont know what to do with it.  im going a million miles a minute.  when is it okay?  when am i getting out of control?  how am i to know? 

how i know im being crazy right now.  well aside from just knowing.  you know you can feel it.  you fucking know.  you feel it pulsating though every inch of your marrow.   i just have so many fucking thoughts right now that i dont know what to do with them.  and even though i FEEL real fucking crazy, and im doing that thing where i suck at listening to my own advice and letting myself feed into it, i feel like maybe its not all bad this time.  im never gonna be fucking perfect.  no ones fucking sane.  i mean overall tonight for me has been filled with thoughts and revelations more passionate and with more intensity than ive felt in awhile.  i had a moment where  i almost let myself get in that negative loop when i realized how fucking scared to shit i was but i pulled myself back.  as crazy as i got tonight i kept myself positive.

i could go on forever.  im already ranting and raving into the wee hours of the morning.  i have A LOT to fucking say.  i have to start working on productive things to do with it.  with that said im going to use this cool little thing i forgot about for awhle called logic and GO TO FUCKING SLEEP.  ive been saying it for awhile.  sometimes i forget that if i dont force myself to, i never turn off.  ive got to fucking listen to myself.  logic says i should have forced shut down a long fucking time ago.  ive always gotta push it to the limits.  i just gotta keep reminding myself... drilling it into my head over and over in every way possible SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.  YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.