So anyone who's known me for more than twenty minutes knows that I'm an exceptionally paranoid person. Anyone who's known me longer than that knows that I'm totally fucked in the head. I don't mean it. I don't do it on purpose. It's just the way my brain is wired.

I've always been paranoid about this or that. Nothing too serious. Latley though, I've been convincing myself that everyone hates me because of the way I've been. It's fucked up. And what ends up happening is I push away the people I love. The people who I would be dead without. The people who I consider to be my family.

Then theres the dilemma. All I've ever been told is that I can't trust my own mind. That the thoughts that I think and the feelings that I feel aren't real. They're just fucked up fabrications of the place that is my own head. So how am I to know what's paranoia and whats real? Here I am hearing voices telling me that everyone who I've ever really cared about doesn't want me around anymore. I tell myself that I'm crazy. I know that now. It gives me the upper hand if you ask me. I'm self aware. The problem is now I'm forced to ask myself how I can define which of my emotions are a result of me being crazy and which are normal human emotions. I can tell myself that it's just me being crazy as much as I want, but what if it's not? What if I really did scare everybody off with that last episode of mine? Sometimes I just need some reassurance. A phone call means more than you know.

I'm doing better these days. Too many of you only knew me at a time that I was completley detached from reality. And the ones who knew me before saw me change. They watched me slip totally into oblivion. I wish none of you had to see me like that. I know that it scares people. Trust me, it fucking scares the shit out of me too.

Please don't let it scare you away. Thats not me. It's something else in the back of my head that just takes over. Well I guess it is me. It has to come from somewhere. It's not my concious mind at least. And I'm learning to control it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. I'm working on one thing at a time.

I'm not asking for anyone to solve my problems. They belong to me. I care about all of you a lot and I've put things on all of you in the past that were not your responsibility. That was wrong of me. I know that I hurt a lot of people. I didn't do it on purpose. I'm sorry. And thank you for putting up with me.