hi, I'm yellow.

today it feels moderately as though the universe is falling apart.

list of things that I am currently sulking about:

my bostonwife had her bank account nefariously emptied so I paid rent early so we wouldn't get evicted.

i have little money. i am worrying about it.

I recently quit the "leadership-position at a hip, yet somewhat exploitive, and entirely life-consuming coffeeshop" job for the "less hours/less pay but you get to be barefoot and in a yoga studio" job. also, i no longer have health insurance.

i have very little money. it makes me feel sick to even think that i am worrying about money.

my positive energy is being eaten by helping my rather difficult mother do homecare for my grandmother. my grandmother does need care, which i am more than willing to offer. but i suspect that my mother needs drama more. and also that she isn't being entirely upfront with me about family politics. homecare is eating the freetime i might hypothetically have had to get another job. or work on my existential crisis. or something.

my mother is calling me on the wife's phone for the fourth time today to tell me that someone else is dying. a grandparent. another one. i am not taking it seriously enough. someone is always dying (this from 'the sensitive one'). the processes seem to take so long and then be so sudden at the same time. if this grandfather goes it will be the third of my grandparents to die in a year and a half.

i lost my cellphone while attending the rocky horror picture show in ridiculous shoes and little clothing. i was trying so hard to step out of character and get dressed up and go out and have a good time. so i flounced around in three inch heels which i didn't actually know how to walk in and without any of my practical pockets for keys/wallet/phone/multitool/etc. and shit gets lost. and then i end up wandering the street alone in big shoes/little clothes/blustery wind/4:30am looking for said phone.

phone companies are evil and exploitive corporations.

now i have very, very little money.

i should never have stopped using a paper addressbook. and i kinda secretly feel as though the travel gods are punishing me by taking away my contact list. it seems that i forgot to even out the wanderer karma. i took advantage of a bunch of short-notice hospitality this summer and i don't think i balanced it soon enough by finding ways to offer it up to other folks. cell phone loss and cash flow problems only compound with smote traveler gods to fantastically quash upcoming big travel planning.

i owe my grumpy lover money from previous big travel. and said lover is messing with my head. because i am too nice and too whiney and want sex too frequently (grumpy lover's words). because i feel like the power dynamic is off-kilter. because this dynamic just isn't it for either of us and we are too lazy to change things.

i am having mad crazy eczema issues, which i often fear is a reflection of the static in my head. i am itchy and scabby in horrific places like my eyelids and my armpits. i am full-body rashy embodiment. no one will ever want to look at me naked again. i don't even want to tweak my own box. i started bleeding today ten days early. i am crampy and cranky and feeling very isolated.

today the sky began to slush. not snow. slush. the dog wants to walk and it is sooo cold and the idea of another winter like the last seems just so completely unbearable. i don't think that i offered up enough gratitude this summer. i thought i just needed to make it through that recent mercury retrograde and it would all work itself out. but the bloody universe is conspiring against me. winge winge winge.

i am much more fun when i'm feeling chipper. i promise.