The past few days have been really rough for me – no, who am I kidding?  The past MONTH has been really rough...

Rather than keep my difficult experiences to myself like I’ve done in the past I’m trying something new today.  Normally, I only write about shitty stuff in my private diary but since I’m working on acceptance of self and sharing myself with others I figure what the hell, let’s see how I feel if I put some of this on Myspace where people who actually know me can read it.

So where to start … Thursday will do…

I was feeling okay on Thursday after a night of intense dreams from the emotional crash I experienced the day before, although I could definitely feel something inside me was still not quite right.  I don’t want to write about that crash here so I’ll just give a 10 second summary.  A group member’s wife’s love is strong enough that she did not give up on him despite mistakes he made in the past.  She kept faith in him and is now giving him the chance to heal the damage he caused.  Listening to that totally broke me down to uncontrollable tears for about half an hour right in the middle of group.  So, that was Wednesday night and by Thursday I could see what that was all about; I had been consumed by the feeling that I’m simply not good enough to deserve that; real commitment and deep love from someone.  That’s a typical historical pattern of feelings for me called splitting (I’m BPD in case anyone here does not already know).  It causes all kinds of internally destructive downward spirals so I felt good that I was able to identify and stop that cycle after only half a day.  By Thursday afternoon I was at a new level of understanding.  Here is something I wrote in my private diary on Thursday:

“While it’s true that my past actions are the root cause of this problem in the first place (myspace edit: the context of “this problem” was <ex's name> deciding to leave me because of my past), I understand that is only the past, and the important thing for the present and the future is for me to do everything in my power to be a loving compassionate human being. Well, I HAVE been!  I need to somehow feel good about that so I can keep on living that way. I’m certainly not saying I’m perfect. There are a million things I could have done better over the past 6 months.  However, I think I’ve done a damn good job so far and I deserve to feel good about that.”

So that’s where I was when I went to my new dance class on Thursday night at <studio's name>.  Then came Friday and once again I felt down.  Yeah, going to a new dance class was a bit of a trigger for me because that is something <ex's name> and I used to do as a couple.  The self abusive feelings that came back were reinforced by something else that an Icarus member shared, who is also BPD – her boyfriend not only sticks by her but also HELPS her identify when she’s splitting and acting out.  Once again, I was stuck back in the feeling that if I was actually good enough to deserve love and commitment from someone then <ex's name> would not have bolted so quickly, especially with how much progress I’ve already made.  My conscious mind could clearly tell that I was splitting again and my self abusive feelings were both highly exaggerated and very inappropriate for the situation.  But hey, that is conscious understanding and feelings are subconscious; the two are not always in harmony for me.  So, when they don’t match I do what I can to take care of myself and simply ride through the experience.  Going back to something that an Icarus member previously wrote to me helped:

“Life is a roller coaster; some people have bigger and faster hills than others. If she can’t take your ride, let her off. There are plenty of thrill seekers out there.”

Since I was still feeling messed up I dedicated Friday night to myself and stayed at home alone.  I actually worked up the nerve to watch the opening episode of “So You Think You Can Dance”, knowing that would of course be yet another trigger since that used to be “our thing”.  It was kind of hard to watch but at the same time it was nice to take ownership of it as “my thing” rather than “our thing”.  I think I handled it pretty well and really enjoyed myself.  After that I went to bed and slept better than since this roller coaster started on Wednesday.  I still felt some residual effects when I got up today but after my now traditional Saturday rollerblading around Greenlake and taking the time to write this for my Myspace blog I’m finally getting back to the feeling of acceptance and love again.

Wow, did I just say that???  Sweet, I guess that means this experiment worked!  Woohoo!