I'm hanging in there barely right now. I want to bail on therapy again.

I went in last week and she just looked at me. And I got really uncomfortable and told her how I didn't want to come back and got out my checkbook and she said something and I don't know what it was but then I just started yelling at her. And then she yelled back and then I just started sobbing. So hard. And there wasn't anything  i could do to calm me down and I just grabbed onto her and sobbed in her arms. I don't even know how long it lasted. It felt like it lasted at least half the session. She even shed a tear on top of my head because there was so much pain pouring out of me. Afterwards  I just held onto myself closed up and just kinda sat there in a bit of a daze. I told her about how I know that people are important. And cultivating friendships is really important because  I know what people say when they are on their death bed. They don't care about work, or school or anything like that. They think about what they have done for someone else. Who they have touched. Who they are close to. The people in their life that matter to them. That's what they care about. And when their life is devoid of people. They feel regret. I know cause I have held the hand of dying people before and seen what they have said in their last words. So I know what is really important in life. And it hurts me when what I think is a good friend just decides to bail on the relationship because of one blip on the screen. Like it didn't matter at all. It couldn't stand up to one little rough patch.

It makes me wonder if there is ever a relationship that would ever be able to last or withstand anything I have to throw its way. It makes me feel like Iam not a person worth hanging around for. It makes me feel sad.