Tonight I don't feel well.

There are times, usually at night, when I don't feel well and I don't know why.  There are no reasons why I should be sad.  But I am.  Sometimes I think I must not want  myself to be happy.  I look at people who seem happy and wonder why I can't have that out look.   

Sometimes though, I am so happy, so happy, and I don't understand why the person I am with can't give that back to me.  Why he can't make me feel better when I am sad or why he can't love me with the same abandon that i give him.  He is what upsets the most.  But I don't really think its him. 

Its just the place he fills in my life that scares me.  I ususally feel so lonely and secluded that the idea of losing one of the few people that i have allowed into my life upsets me.  It upsets me that I am so dependent on him.  That I call him crying and ask if he wants to be with me and it upsets me that he can't see that I just need someone, anyone to be there for me.  I don't want to need someone like that.

It is hard, because I go from such extremes.  LIke right now, after writting all that I feel better.  That is always how it is though.  I fluctuate from an empowered radical feminist who doesn't give a shit what people think to a self doubting, codependent coward.  I don't know how to balance these fractures of myself into a whole person.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate the insight my spectrum of emotions give me, it is just hard sometimes.  like tonight.