trauma ontop of trauma compounds trauma. there are these walls i've built up around me thinking they keep me safe. they haven't. i'm still struggling. every year i notice things getting better and its the things that don't change that keep me from feeling happy about my life. i'm still angry, blaming others for this sadness, these anxieties that sweep over me, keep me from really connecting with other people, from learning about the things i feel passionate about. i make gratitude lists, i say prayers, i do ceremonies, i thank the Creator. i try to be a good (identify cultural group here) but there's that box lining of religious fundamentalism, the ropes of capitalism that keep me from feeling free when i am free - guilt shame apathy self-hate - and focused on what i don't have instead of what i do.

what i'm tired of hearing: anger is a gift.

i don't think it's a gift. it's information but it's not a gift. a gift i can receive or give back if i don't want it. anger is a stern teacher who takes advantage of my low self-esteem when my guard is down, keeps people away, far from my tender centre when what i need most is to be held. anger is a response to feeling cheated because i can remember having to fight him off me when i was two years old. fight them off my sister when they coralled her. fight them off when they tried to take us away, keep us separate, held us hostage. anger is a shield, a weapon, a helper and an enemy all at once. at this age, am i safe enough to lay down my weapon? anger. i don't want you anymore.

depression, i release you.

anxiety, i release you.

anger, i release you.

self-hate, i release you.

denial, i release you.

apathy, i release you.

despair, i release you.

alienation, i release you.

pity, i release you.

jealousy, i release you.

fear, i release you.

 

love, i welcome you. please come sit at my table. have something to eat, to drink. let me play this song for you. here is a warm shoulder for you. come closer. i need more of you than i think i do. all i need is love. all i need is love.