So I've started another blog. A proper thoughts and analysis blog. I'm going to try my hardest to keep my emotional crap out of it so I can have some boundaries in my life. Emotions go here, for crazy strangers, and thoughts go there, for academic friends.

It's an issue at the moment because I'm feeling like shit. And I've been feeling like shit for a while now. Just empty. Anhedonic, although that's not a word anyone around me would know. Depressed doesn't explain it well enough. Empty, sort of. Anhedonic is the best, though. I've been really productive with that, but now I've gotten to the point where all my papers are finished and it's the weekend and I don't have anything I need to be doing. I'm going to work on some embroidered patches, I think. I spent most of yesterday drunk, which was actually really nice. And didn't make me feel worse this morning. I brought my very favorite rum and orange juice in a bottle and watched television on the computers in the library. It was pretty good. I even managed not to giggle too loudly.

I'm really worried about being alone. It's been so fucking long since I had a good friend. Or someone I considered a good friend. I try not to think about it because it's an awful feeling, but I did think about it during my Friday night crisis and it occurred to me that it's been a really long time. And maybe that means it's not just chance or environment or whatever. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging in some way. Maybe I'm too picky and have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I'm too impatient. I really don't know. I feel like I'm trying with some people, but it's just really hard. I can keep telling myself that next semester will be different, but I don't really know if that's true. I think it could be, though.

I have so much work to do tomorrow because I have a project that needs to be finished for Wednesday and is seriously behind, but I need to go check on my laptop, which I'm pretty sure is dead, and I need to make an appointment with the counseling services for sometime in the week. I think I should talk to someone. I don't know what I'd say, but I think it would be a good idea. I'm not so keen on calling up the peer counselors that we have hear. I mean, I feel like they need a concrete problem to solve. Maybe not. Maybe I'll give them a call tonight when I'm feeling calm and see what it's like. Feel it out for when I'm in more of an acute crisis.

I've also started packing, which feels good. It's not really neccessary or even appropriate since I'm going to be here for another two weeks at least, but it just feels good. And it's something to do and being productive really helps. When I get back home I'm going to get on the volunteering and the looking for dates and getting my hands on a working computer and getting a date for my surgery. It's like my life will kick into gear as soon as I get back. Maybe I can do some looking for online dates over the next two weeks.

I don't like the profile name that I used last time. And the whole thing didn't work out that well. So I think that maybe I'll start a new one. With my newer online handle. I'm feeling really detached from my real name lately. I don't particularly like it. But I don't use it too much. I try not to introduce myself. I can't bring myself to change it, even informally. Something about feeling guilt towards my parents or the person I used to be or the abstract concept of the name. It's very complicated in my head, especially when it comes to guilt. I could try a nickname, I guess. That might be alright. And with the volunteering and the dating I'll have the chance to meet some new people and test it out. I think I will. Weirdly, it's a nickname that my grandparents dreaded and gave as a reason for my parents not to name me my name. The nickname's never caught on by itself, but maybe I'll make it happen.

Wow, this a pretty long post when I thought I didn't have anything to say. I do have other thoughts about sex, but maybe I'll write about it later. This thing about self-sabotage and friends is really freaking me out. I really don't want to go back to seeing a shrink. I'm finding myself missing my old shrink, who isn't in a helpful location. I broke up with him, though, so I don't really know why I'm missing him so much. I don't want to see my most recent shrink. And I don't want to see someone new. I feel like I've done so much therapy, I should be fixed. Or rather, I should know how to do it myself. And I've been pretty good at taking care of myself this term. I deal with my own crises. But this is something that needs an objective eye, and although I am said to have such a thing when it comes to myself, I think this needs an outside opinion.

We'll see. It'll probably end up here when I have to mentally unpack what goes on with the peer counselors or the professionals at the health center.