i feel like im dying inside all the time. this is the first time ive contributed to this site. i need a space where i can be real without alienating friends. i can only afford therapy so often.

i returned to work 2 days ago after a suicide attempt and hospitalization. i dont regret the suicide. ive been trying to kill something inside me for 25 years. this body and mind don't feel like mine anymore. they are the creation of my parents' physical and emotional violence, work discipline, homophobia and privlege. they are the cowering result of attacks on my personal autonomy, my need to create myself. all my experiences feel like a cancer growing inside. i need a new beginning. i dont know how to do this with the mind i have right now.

i only receive minutes of relief. my power increases when i gender fuck. where are the spaces where i can meet myself? how do i get out of one world to find my own? system system system. why do i only see doors made from alcohol, sleeping pills, razor blades and blood?

the hospital only conditioned my ability to withstand control. SHOWER NOW, LINE UP FOR MEALS, OUT OF THE HALLWAY, GROUP THERAPY TIME IN THE GTR (Group Therapy Room).

i did not feel the breeze for a week. every act was analyzed. am i reading too much? is this complulsive behavior? would i be seen as healthy if i sat in the TV room watching adam sandler movies? system system system.

my scars are all over my body. i record the mental wounds on the skin. i do not have enough skin to record them all.