I just wrote a lot. But then i deleted it by accident .

I dont know if i have insomnia or if it is a manifestation of my bipolar disorder but i treat it with 10mg Zolpidem Tartrate(Ambien) every night. I can sleep all day. Sunlight makes me tired. lets say i do take my Ambien every night. I go to sleep around 2:00 A.M. I will sleep to 5:00 P.M. until i have to waike up for work, and i will be tired all day at work until i get out, and it is dark out. So maybe my medication is too strong. So i reduced it to 5mg and tried to sleep then. NOw the 5mg did put me to sleep if i tried, but i made an intresting discovery about my inability to sleep. Going to sleep is a trigger for me. My nightly journal reveals 

Thursday PM
? Anxiety
       ->don't want to miss out (child)
        ->feel too awake
       ->lying awake fear?NOPE
       ->worry about waking up?NOPE
I'm overcome with the feeling that it's not time to go to sleep. Thats trying is something i have to do but don't want to. I have a nagging feeling i am forgetting something. I feel like i have things to do but i dont. -->VERY ADHD FEELING

Friday P.M.
unfullfilled
i feel trapped. there are marbles rolling around in my head. I want to kill myself. empty. purposless. I'm sure i could write something beautiful right now my handwriting is impressive to me. It sweeps beautifully across the page. Swiftly, neatly. But it reveals no secrrets within. Organized is how i appear. I have fallen again and i'm losing the desire to get back up. Why must every day be so difficult. I shall pass through time unnoticed while it is all i see. I have fallen. I may not go to work tomorrow

Saturday PM
This is why i think i do it to myself. Actually, i dont believe that any more. Either way, back to that, i feel miserable. I hardly slept last night and while i should be tires i am instead terribly fussy and fragile. I hate my job. I never want to go back. I filled out some job applications but the idea of having to explainugh i hate handwriting i don't like anything i dont want to go to work and i want i dont know. But i am upset and frustrated and lonely. 

Sunday P.M.

i'm tired of writing this. as far as i have been able to analyze, i'm just not tired at night. and being awake at night is fine, until i have to convince myself it is time for sleep at which point i break down in lonliness? is that the major factor we are seeing here?  what the fuck was the question anyways. 

Does any one else find going to sleep to be a trigger? what about going to sleep was it? The fear of tomorrow? knowing you have to wake up? my sleep is fucked and i dont know why, i'm tired of being so bored at night and exhausted during the day.