I'm starting this blog to try to document my life and my depression on a day-to-day basis, so I can have something to call on for hope or reassurance other than my own hazy memory.  I hope that this can also offer some comfort, in whatever way, to those in need of it.  Please don't hesitate to write to me.  My e-mail address is fiftygreatshortstories@hotmail.com, and I'll gladly give my mailing address for anyone interested in penpal-ing, trading zines, or coming to my house dressed as a giant crayon.  I guess I'll start with the past couple of days...

I was in New York on a vacation with my family over Thanksgiving weekend.  We went to a wedding, and we saw all our cousins.  The last night there I got in an argument with my mom in the car we rented.  I didn't take it well.  I sat silent, smoking a cigarette out the window, and when I got to my parents' hotel room I went through my dad's toiletry case and cut myself three times on the arm with his razor.

Things got a bunch worse after that.  I slept a half-hour that night, and the next day, which was my last day before work, I couldn't sleep at all.  I spent all day on the computer, and then woke my parents up at midnight telling them I think I have appendicitis and we have to go to the hospital.  I didn't go to the hospital.  I didn't have appendicitis.  I think the achy muscles and weird abdominal pains were a result of the lack of sleep and the stress.

The next day, Monday, I slept until I went to work.  When I got home from work, I slept until morning.

Tuesday I called in sick for work.  I smashed my phone on the wall and punched some doors.  Then I went to an emergency therapy session.  I came home and again thought that not being alive would solve all my problems.  Who can be depressed in a casket?

Wednesday I slept until 1:30 PM, missing a therapy appointment for 1 PM.  I felt shitty about that, and I looked up the lethality of an overdose for both Parnate and Lithium, two of the pills I'm on.  Then I had family therapy, and almost walked out several times, one time actually leaving to take a five-minute break.  I fell asleep at 3:30 AM.

Today is Thursday, November 30.  I woke up at 6 AM this morning.  I played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and now I'm going to do a crossword puzzle and watch a movie.  That's cool with me.