As usual, I'm not actually going to give a summary of what's happened since the last time I wrote, but to be honest, it's not that much. Still haven't had sex again. Still haven't tried any new drugs. Still haven't made any great friends.

But the thing that is really in my brain right now is that I really believe that I will kill myself one day. Not in the near future. I mean, I'm doing pretty well. Maybe anhedonic, but far from the sort of pain I remember from the worst times. And having my parents to talk to means a lot. They're smart and compassionate and always there if I need someone to call. But someday they won't be. Someday they'll die. And then sometime after that I'll decide I've gone far enough. I've been thinking about Maude a lot actually. I mean, if you can be reasonably sure you'll have periodic bits of misery, why not decide to quit while you're ahead? Pick an approximate time-frame and make sure everything is going great and you're content and then just end it right there.

I could come up with a list of things I'd like to try before then. Because I'm sure there are a bunch. I mean, I'd mostly like to be happy, but that's so fucking hard to control.

I've got a whole other set of thoughts on drugs lately, but I am horribly exhausted and really need to eat a little food and go to sleep so I can wake up and work on my paper about suicide for class.

You know, I missed writing here. Maybe it'll be a good parallel to my newly found group therapy. I do so like group therapy in general. And this could help me work some things out for myself. Especially things I don't feel like I can talk to my parents about.

Everyone I talk to about liking soft butch menfolk, and aspiring to be a soft-butch woman tells me I should hold on and wait for that good guy that I'll find some day who will like me for who I am. I keep thinking about giving the femme flirty thing another try. I mean, I feel so much better in suits, but if it meant falling in love, maybe I could do that again? But if everyone else thinks it's not a good idea....I don't know. Wasn't I going to go to sleep? Yes. Food, teeth brushing, sleep.