What the hell? I have a sex drive. Sort of. Sex dreams. About brothers. Hot brothers. Hot sex. And some hot girls too. What the hell?

And now I'm back to being awake and kind of sort of wanting something. But I'm not the person who gets what I want. Let me rephrase that. It sounded like I was just complaining about the state of the world. But what I really mean  is that I'm pretty much done with being femme. I keep wanting to cut my hair shorter and shorter. I'm done shaving my legs. I tried once again and I just felt naked and grotesque. No more dresses, no more skirts, no more cleavage showing of any kind. And I'm still fantasizing about getting top surgery. Not going to happen for ages, if ever. But I just hate my breasts. I mean, the nipples still have a sort of use when it comes to sex. But the breast part? Not so much.

So that's who I am at the moment. But at the same time, I want Tim Roth. He's so fucking sexy. Muscular and a little rough around the edges what with the uneven eyes and the less than perfect teeth. His tattoo is fantastic. I just want to watch him all day. Well, actually, I want to have sex with him. But that's where things get confusing. I don't want a penis inside of me. Well, maybe I could be okay with that. But not from behind, which used to be my favorite. And not anal, certainly, which sort of rules out wanting to be a gay man. Although I do want to be sort of butch/andro and I'm definitely attracted to men.

Fuck this shit. And I don't even want to be Tim Roth. Well, maybe I do. Maybe I want to be Buck Angel. The only thing that's keeping me together through all of this is a certain friend who's completely understanding and a certain genderqueer celebrity who I like to think of as my fairy godmother.

I guess all I can do for the moment is wear my binder when the weather isn't too hot to make me want to die, cut my hair a little shorter, and put in a real effort to lift some weights. I want some beastly arm muscles. Don't want to lose weight, don't want to have flat abs or anything. Just want arm muscles. And maybe clearer skin. I'm going to go fix some pimples and lift some weights until I have to catch a train and go to my psychologist. Then I have to talk to him about how sane or insane I'm feeling. And about possibly going to group. And maybe some of this sex and gender stuff if I have the time.