Not a good night. I mean, not a Bad Night, but not a good night either. Came back from a performance and felt exhausted and hungry. Sat around with parents for a bit, listening to music that reminded me of being much younger. Or at least reminded me of living in a house with two parents. And being happier, I think. Anyway, enough with that depressing line of thought.

Right now I'm hungry. I think. Yeah, that's fair, I'm hungry. I'm still trying to differentiate between cravings and hunger. They still seem sort of the same. I figure it's a craving if I don't want to eat something healthy. I mean, if I want something and I'm willing to eat the apple that I've got, then that's hunger. If I want something and I'm not willing to eat the apple or salad or whatever, then that's a craving. Right now? I think I want that apple that's in the kitchen.

Food that I ate today: two handfuls of almonds, a peach, and some cheese ravioli, and about four pieces of gum. I think that's okay. I really don't want another apple, so I think I'll call it a day as far as eating is concerned.

I have to wonder if that's not enough to eat. But if I'd rather not eat than eat more fruit, I think that's a bit of an issue. We'll see what happens. I think I'll get more used to this if I keep it up for a bit. I didn't eat any bread today, very impressive. Tomorrow I'll go buy a bunch of apples from the supermarket and gorge myself on those. Or something.

I hope this all resolves itself by the time I get back because I'll have to talk about it in group and there some really sweet people there from the eating disorders group and I don't want to get involved in that. And I have to wonder if this is just a displacement of my masochistic urges. I won't let myself be depressed or in physical pain or whatever, so I'm just making myself deal with hunger all of the time? Ah, I give up. I don't have to deal with that right now. I've been having enough depressive triumphs. For instance, I managed today very well. I said I was going to go to a performance and even though I was tired, I went. And it wasn't even that good. But I'm just so proud that I went.

I do still have this thing to talk about, but I'm too tired right now. Going to actually go to bed and stop thinking about food. Shit, I just had a wave of nostalgia for the past year of school. All of that misery and sleep deprivation and drug use all on my own. And especially of spending the whole night down in the freezing computer lab, watching tv and talking to people online. But fuck that. I can be happier. I can. I can have real friends and I can feel good about how I look and I can get a job. ::deep breath:: And now to bed, with Top Gear and my ten year old boy self, who has taken over a lot of me in the last months. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation.