Dysphoria. What it's like.

The first thing out of your mouth is "Why so down?". You, as a concerned citizen, as a generally kind person, seek to help. You think of positive affirmations. You identify blessings. You make comparisons identifying haves and have-nots. Certainly this individual, this person standing before you, is in a simple mood, is experiencing a poor feeling, is having a bad reaction to a lousy twist of fate, is having a bad day. Surely tomorrow the sun will rise and all of these clouds will be whisked away. Surely there is no need for anyone to dwell in the grim gloom of a somber mood.

And so tomorrow comes and the sun rises and the clouds are whisked away and your person remains as grim, your person remains as gloomy. You begin to realize that the circumstances are not quite as simple as you had assumed, you begin to become aware that you are not dealing with a reaction to the environment, to circumstances. You are dealing with a person with a very low emotional baseline. Your person basically resides in this state of gloom, it is his "norm". Try as you might, you cannot bring to him the sunshine. You become frustrated as your attempts to help bear no fruit and then you become frightened when you feel his spirit pulling you down. For your own safety, you decide to cut and run. However politely, with whatever cunning you handle it, you do it. You cut and run.

The person is left alone.

Again.

It is a pattern of his life. He means no harm. He cannot help his dreary outlook. All days are rainy days. This is depression at its deepest, and when it serves to isolate it is at its cruelest. There is no room at the table for a dysphoric, there is no place at the party. We do not invite retards to brainstorm quantum physics, nor do we bring darkness into a world screaming for sunshine. There is no place for a dysphoric.

I came to terms with this a while back. I thought I would simply quit trying, jump off the merry-go-round, drop out of the rat-race. I came to believe I would better serve everyone to find others like myself and just be co-miserable, plodding away in mad arts, trying to get by somehow until the inevitible promise comes and claims me. To date, I'm still searching for like-minded souls. I walk alone, adrift, apart.

I don't need to be happy. I need to be understood and accepted. Both seem impossible for the Smiths and the Joneses to embrace, and even those mad one's about.. who wants to come to love someone who has little fear of dying, who wants to bond with someone who may simply disappear tomorrow?

I was not abused or molested as a child. I was not bullied. I was not picked on. I did well in school. I was athletic. I was artistic. My parents stayed together until I was an adult. Society did not beat me, did not scar me. I grew up around people and trees and birds and houses and cars and mountains and beaches and cities. I was not rich, I was not poor.

At the core, at the very center of me, I have identified a single fear: the fear of abandonment. Where did it come from, how did it get there? Somewhere, somehow, for some reason, someone, several someone's perhaps, decided it was okay to leave me alone. Somewhere I decided it is better to be alone. Somewhere in there is a reason, and the reason has to do with me. Something about me. Something wrong with me.

Personality Tests. I have taken three over the years, at different stages of my life. The results came back the same each time. I find them interesting, revealing. This is a summary of the INTJ type, from the Myers-Briggs tests:

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"The Scientist" (or, more commonly, "The Mastermind")

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

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What this means is that I've always basically been a prick, moreso as a child, not so much as I've gone along on my hellish journey trying to understand why I just don't seem to fit in. By now, I'm a "Broken Mastermind". My relationships with people have always been my irony, my bugaboo.

I live in grief. Everyone has left me along the way, some more than once. None seem to realize how deeply I truly feel about them.