i wonder where she's off to.. my dopplegaenger. i know she's gotten out. out through the cracks in the surface of my superficial self, ego and false pride. seeped out through the slits that house eyes that could once clearly see, self-told lies and predescribed delusions. wisped out through warped wounds left covered and untreated for far too long, active lies and the casting of smoky-mirroed illusions.

quite frankly, i know i'm full of bullshit. full of horribly, predictably destructive patterns that i either created or participated in the engineering of or idly sat back and let someone else create them for me then knowingly jumped right in the middle. yet i emote and exist within them almost unconsciously. it really is as if my eyes were not made to see, with the pitifully small amount of true understanding that is actually being extracted from any given situation or experience. it's like sitting in on a play, trying to play it back for someone who hasn't seen it yet and being unable to describe its most basic plot. or like preparing for an anticipated moment, blanking out once it actually arrives, blindly going through the moment while it is upon you and then physically experiencing it after it is over. i actually do a lot of that one; living in retrospect. consistently missing the meaning while it exists right before me, having the 'ahh haa' epiphanies seconds after it's (too late) gone.

but yeah, back to my bullshit. i have no idea what my truest intentions or motivations are for nearly all of my actions. no inner monologue, i swares. it's like i lack the capacity of full thought. the inability to think through any given scenario, play it out to it's full ending. shit. i never do that. it's almost as if i am living a solely reactionary existence, without a creative individual thought of my own. like, let's say i'm starting something new - a job, for instance. of course, i have my 'not here to make friends, but be friendly' or 'not here to take over, but be productive' self-talks, but most folks also have a game plan. a strategy. forethought notions of daily/long-term goals and many options on how to accomplish them. learned lessons from previous experiences and things to do differently. cautions and opportunities to watch out for, energies and negativities to avoid. not me. for me it's almost like every new thing is brand new, mental slate wiped totally clean, til one day i look up and there i am - right in the middle of the last path i said i ever wanted to travel again, again!

ahhhhhhhhhhh, self-awareness. the ability to recognize, accept, know and love who my Self really is. thing is, that's all i've been doing -- analyzing, examining, looking at my bullshit face to face. unwrapping old wounds, cleaning them up and letting them breathe. heal. accepting responsibilities for the wrongs i've done, do. i can probably tell you all the core reasons why i have done/do my shit. can tell you from where it originates and point out the behavioral language i use to communicate said shit when my mouth doesn't want to fess up. what i cannot tell you (and where i find myself stuck) is what to do now. what do i do with all this knowledge i've gained? how do i begin the process of applying what i've learned. seems as simple as saying: "well, just do it. make the choice to make the change and then do it" and i want to believe it really is that simple. or do i? if i believe it's as easy as that, then what does that make me -- she who has sat with the resultant theories of all that examining for (what?), 3 years now? if i've had the answers to all my problems for the last three years, why haven't i simply applied them yet? i want to, oh how i want to so bad but i dont know how! I Don't Know How!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!

ay dios mio, ayúdeme

anyways, i said a big Fuck You to the general medicine people. have an appt this wednesday morn to speak with a psychologist. seemed pretty open to listen/feedback from our phone conversation. 'course, he could just be tryina bait me in but wishfully, he's sincere. maybe if that works out ok, i'll ask him to refer me to a gen doc other patients have had success with. wonder if i could hand pick 'em, maybe get an old geezer who's been around since forever and could give a flying fuck about big pharm. who's just interested extending Quality of his patients' lives and wellness, and would gladly still make housecalls, if it weren't so bad out. *sigh* anyways, later

yaya.