More sad shit.
Submitted by Beau on Thu, 02/01/2007 - 8:55ami am sad. and i am lonely.
once i was in love. once.
strong desire to self-terminate.
I need a gun. I'm sorry that people don't like to hear this, but these are my thoughts. I haven't been posting on the forums very much because all my thoughts are sad... no, hopeless. And nobody wants to hear that shit.
As xenobia said, most of the stuff I write is triggering to people.
Well, guess what. It triggers me too. Could you imagine living with a brain that triggers itself constantly? Perhaps, because if anyone could, they would be found on this website.
I've been thinking about things. I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do what I need to do. I've been thinking more and more about fucking school and getting a job at Barnes&Noble or something. If I could just finish classes this semester, it's possible I could get a job paying 30k a year. But I don't think I can do that. All I think about is suicide. I'm sad. I'm barely even recording right now. All I feel are extremes. All I feel are extremes. Hell, if I could just stick to my self-designed plan (developed when I actually had motivation) then I'd be making at least 50-60k a year Three to Four years from now... and possibly 100k+ in a decade... and this wasn't even wishful thinking. That's the Network Engineering field for ya.
But you know what? I just want to make music. I want to live off of my soul, not my brain. I feel pain. I want to share that pain with the world. I want the world to understand, and the only way I know how to do that is through my art. Mostly music.
I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate... I don't want to live. I don't even know why I should try. I don't want to think anymore.
BOOM.
Only one solution.
Art is the only thing that brings a prolonged smile to my face anymore.
What should I do? Should I get some crappy job, save up the money while I write music, then travel to Indiana to tell the most beautiful girl in the world that I still love her (she's in one of the greatest relationships in the world right now w/ her current boyfriend, from what I've heard)? That almost seems like it would make me happy. At least I can envision myself attaining that goal. I could just keep saving money (I'm very good at that). I could buy the gun I want (there's an expensive one that I think looks pretty), I could record an official cd for myself and pay for the official production of it.
I don't know.
I'm sad. And lonely. And unmotivated.
I am worthless.
My heart is broken,
strong desire to self-terminate.
~Beau
No longer alone ion the planet of suffering..
Beau wrote:
[i]I needagun.I'msorrythatpeopledon'tliketohearthis,butthesearemy thoughts. I haven't been posting on the forums very much because all my thoughts are sad... no, hopeless. And nobody wants to hear that shit.
As xenobia said, most of the stuff I write is triggering to people.
Well, guess what. It triggers me too. Could you imagine living with a brain that triggers itself constantly? Perhaps, because if anyone could, they would be found on this website.[/i]
DearOne; We, all o f us who have the kiss of somthing greater than us in us, who have found this site, we are all triggered.
Our brains are ultra ultra sensitive, and just about anything can set them off.
In ways that are wonderful and magical and difficult for others not of our kind to understaned, and in ways that ping pong ball endlessly around the hollow room of our skull.
Curse/gift/curse, or evolved and wholey newstate of human existance bestowed on us by heroic and sadistic forces?
I have many theorys.
But what I know for sure is this:
No one here wants suffering. We ALL know what suffering is. We all knowwhat it is like to live day after day after day, longing to end the living that casues the pain. We know. And you know we know, or you wouldnt be here.
When I spoke out about people being triggered by the many daily references you make to suicide, I was trying to protect somthing. To protect our space, our sense of conectedness, and unity, and our ability to hold one another- and hold each other accountable. This protection was and is intendeed for all, and most assuridly inculdes you.
You are not alone here. This is a shared place- however much it feels like a small lovely privet room with strange windows into other worlds. What you say matters to people. We listion to you keenly, perhaps as only others of our kind can.
We are resonsable for and to each other. We have to be, as no one else seems to understand what this means.
I want you to survive the suffering you are experencing, and share what you need to with us, and I also want others to survive your suffering as well.
You are responsable to us, and for us, as we are to and for you.
How to proceed?
Its vitaly important to have a place to tell the truth.
with great Love, in ways both triggered and triggering,
Xenobia
Beau also wrote: [i]But you know what? I just want to make music. I want to live off of my soul, not my brain. I feel pain. I want to share that pain with the world. I want the world to understand, and the only way I know how to do that is through my art. Mostly music.[/i]
Get guitar find some
Get guitar find some woodland even if you have to jump on a train. Take guitar into woods miles from any where, tune guitar to open E. Play fretted E on the guitar even though it is already tuned to E. Bang around on the guitar for hours moving the E shape up and down. Some times use a partial e shape sometimes one finger up and down the fret board. Find what sounds good to you. Sing the blues until you are less blue and feeling less rage that is directed at your self.
Take a large packed lunch... apples bannana's and what not, things that are real easy to get and easy to eat. take more food than you usually eat and fill that belly, with it.
Play the guitar some more and if it is possible light a small camp fire, stare at the fire for 2 hours. Eat some more food.
Suspend disbelief that things will not change, that you don't need to get rid of you but need to get rid of the old you so you are reborn as a new you not a physical death but a psychological/spiritual death of what was before and what will be.
some days it is triggering,