THis is not a good night to feel this way. I have reading to do, I have a quiz tomorrow morning. I am so tempted to go to class drunk tomorrow, but that'll rule out doing much work tomorrow, which I really need to do. Fucking reading and writing and emailing my committee and calling grad schools. All of that work I have to do to form a life that I don't want and can't conceive of right now.

I feel fragile and poisonous. Like I would shatter into a million jagged shards with toxic edges. I can't be happy for this beautiful performance I saw today. I'm just disgustingly bitter and jealous. I want to be able to do that. I want to perform. I want to feel strong enough to do that. Not just fall to pieces immediately.

Screw all of this. I'll skim it in the morning. I'll fucking sleep in my clothes and go to class hungry and have the time to read instead of getting dressed or getting food. I want to down a few shots, but I know that's a bad idea. A Very Bad Idea. It won't make me feel better, it'll only make me feel worse. And less likely to get up and read tomorrow. A cigarette, on the other hand, is more disgusting, less enjoyable, but in this case also less of a bad idea. My headache still hasn't gone away, but maybe the cold air will help.

I hate this. i was doing okay. I was thinking about life ahead and feeling the pulse of my heart in my chest as this wonderful sign of movement and persistance and change and possibility.

And now it's just this fucking inevitable thumping that hurts and leave me sore and reminds me I have to keep going for another few decades before I can finally fucking kill myself.

The only problem, well, one problem with going outside is that I'm clearly crying and I don't want to pass anyone on the way out. But whatever. What the fuck are they going to say? If they ask how I am, I say fine. That's always the answer. ANd then, especially when there's tears coming down my cheeks people usually get the hint that I don't want to talk about it.

ANd then I watched this video of dogs seeing grass and sunlight for the first time and it was so very cute and I stopped crying. And did more of the reading, but I still have a few pages. But now I'm exhausted. But still frustrated that I didn't do any div work this weekend and feeling like I"m generally a bitter person and I hate it. And really knowing that I should go brush my teeth, but also really just wanting to fall asleep without doing that. I will brush my teeth, but not wash my face. That's not a bad compromise. Some part of me wanted to revel and wallow in that horrible place. I think it's partially because it gives voice to all the little frustrations that aren't enough by themselves: really wanting to be friends with L, but worrying that she doesn't want that and then feeling so awkward around her I can't stand it. really looking forward to living with J again and then finding out through her annoyingly roundabout way that it's not going to happen. I know she does it because she tries to be nice, but it's just unhelpful. And M not being thrilled with having the double room.  I mean, I'm sure they've enjoyed it, but part of me would like to know that someone managed to get a lot of pleasure out of the housing this semester. That someone gets to enjoy in equal proportion to my suffering in this fucking windowless cave of a room. And I do hate that people don't know that I'm not always like this. I used to be femme and dapper and butch and not just blah. I used to go dancing and take my shirt off and giggle and I don't do any of that anymore. But other people are worried about themselves and it's stupid of me to think that they would notice.

Fuck. My back hurts and I'm tired and I'm sick of everything. Time to brush teeth and go to sleep while watching some more mythbusters.