i've never been a good bipolar.  many people who are bipolar are mad but brilliant, they're inspired and artistic,  they bring beauty and wonder to the world, etc etc. 

i don't.

i've always had... options, influences, chances, oppurtunities, but i've never actually sought to develop a way to express myself.  in high school, i was somewhat artistic, but i always felt less than the other artists around me.  i didn't want to appear as if i cared.  i'm obsessed with music.  i think about it all the time, i'm always listening to music.  i can talk forever about it.  i can hear a hundred songs and tell something interesting and meaningful about each one.  i know nothing about music as an art form.  i know nothing of its making, and i regret this greatly.  i admire and envy musicians, and i curse my persistent adolescent fears of anyone seeing me try.   

i sew, i cook, i write.  

all i want to do is write.  i write too much. and little of it has any significance or meaning.  i used to try to carry a notebook with me to capture the constant flow of words, inspired thoughts and beautifully crafted sentences that swirled through my mind, but it never worked.  the second i touched pen to paper, my lovely thoughts dissolved and my words tumbled out, mangled and meaningless.  i have no sense of narrative, and all character development seems forced.  

now i've been distracted by the internet.