So since I last wrote a lot has gone on. I have been having trouble reacting to the girl's aggression at work and am going to take anger management classes. I did this training where they "restrained" me and I got so scared I puked. Because I have been restrained like that in real life so I started having flashbacks and the feeling like I couldn't breathe and freaked and puked. So now people at work are questioning whether I am stable enough for my job. (I work with adolescent foster girls in a group home) So it can be intense at times.

Then I had sort of an intervention with my teacher where I did an eye looking thing because I have trouble making eye contact. I looked at her and stayed in her eyes. I started getting so scared and crying. She stayed with me and told me how ok I was, how much she loved me etc...it was truly terrifying for me. Then I felt much better. And the mindspin stopped almost entirely. Until I went to therapy again. And then once again she reactivated it and I was in acute distress. I felt as though the 2 people I still did have in my life I should let go of because she felt I was talking to them and not to her. I actually trust them. I don't trust her yet. And it would be completely unreasonable for me to trust her now. I have only known her a month. And I see her once a week for 50 minutes. So there is no way in 4 sessions I will trust her as much as I trust those two people I have known for a year now. Even them, a year isn't really long enough for me to trust they will be around long. I'm trying to explain to her I don't have object constancy yet. It's impossible to expect me to trust anyone will stay or that they really care. People are just  forced into relationships with me through circumstance and when that reason (ie...class with me, work with me, therapy...) is gone they are too. That has been my experience. It's like she thinks I should develop instant trust or something. That just isn't how it works. But over time I may begin to trust. This experience with my teacher sure helped move that along. But then therapy made it really bad. I finally emailed my therapist to tell her how I felt about things she said etc...she seemed to respond but I am not sure she gets what I need from her. This is the first time, by the way that I have ever been able to say to a therapist that I am unhappy with how it is going and need something different. I am not comfortable with self advocacy. So it was awkward. I felt as though attack was going to be imminent. But it was ok.

So we'll see. And writing her took away the mindspin. And now I am still ok. Who knew?