therapy woes
Submitted by squirrelABC on Sun, 02/15/2009 - 7:34amSo things are going ok I guess except I have somehow had something brewing for a while. I got suddenly really angry earlier this weekend for no apparent reason. It was all directed toward my therapist. I'm at a stand still. I went and talked to someone else about it because I needed an objective 3rd professional opinion of if our relationship is good and therapeutic for me or if I am just retraumatizing myself staying with her. It's really complicated but I am super passive and avoidant sometimes and have a hard time finding my voice. And she isn't helping me find it, but it seems she keeps reinforcing negative messages I've struggled with my whole life. I am functioning better now but it seems only because I got my physical health under control. I gained 12 lbs and the doctor was really happy with how healthy I am now. The supplements I am taking seem to be calming down my nervous system and helping lessen the severity of my PTSD. Now I took some time off from therapy to step back because my symptoms seemed to get worse the more I saw her. And more ruminating. So anyway, now after a week off I seem to be doing better and am not looking forward to messing that up. But need to sit down and have an honest conversation about what I am experiencing. So that's gonna take place on Tues and I am not sure where I will go from there. I have written down a letter to her that is pretty angry and intense. I am afraid to read it to her because the whole problem is I don't feel safe with her so revealing this level of emotion feels unsafe to me. But I think it is neccessary to move forward and either terminate with her or else continue on trying to keep building something. It has been over 6 months now. A lot of people think that this is too long to keep trying to build a basic sense of trust. I'm talking BASIC. But then again, I have an extensive trauma history and so it is hard for me to trust my judgment. I feel like I can't trust my own internal feelings that I am unsafe with her even though it is screaming at me and I feel it is pretty intuitive not irrational type feeling states. Anyway, when I talked with another professional I had no trouble looking at her and talking honestly, and she was a complete stranger. So it makes me think that I am just not a good match for this woman and that it isn't that I can't trust anyone. Apparently her communication style isn't working for me. Well anyway, we'll see if I can make it work. I have stayed stuck frozen for the last about 6 months now and it seems like it has been counterproductive to my therapeutic process. But then again, it's one of those things that maybe I AM making some progress in trusting even her, and that I just can't see it right now. Change is tough. It's hard to see change when it happens and hard for things to continually keep changing with no stability or sense of safety. I haven't mastered change that's for sure!